This information will make no sense, but I will post it for my personal gain. The following first portion took place May 2. The second portion took place this evening, May 27.
I don't know. I'm so damn lost. Last night, in celebration - well, at least I called it that, so whatever - of my no bookstore job, I went out with an old friend of mine and his buddy for coffee. My friend  was trying to play matchmaker and hook me up with his friend (C). A, C and I had a ton of fun. I nearly died of laughter. [...which is a definite plus in the book of what I like] So they picked me up from my house and we went to a coffee shop - sorta. We eventually made it after A and I finished arguing over which way was the correct way - I won. We ordered our collective drinks and sat down. C and A sat at a two top table and I sat next to A at a separate two top table. A decided to move to sit across from me, so I pulled the 2 chairs from my side of the table, side by side and sat on both of them. A and C play off each other well when talking, it’s so funny. So I’m sitting in the middle, both are talking to me at once and I’m trying to keep conversation with both.
We drink our coffee and decide that since there is a Burger King next door, we would go there. Burger King’s dining room closed at 10, it was already nearing 11. So we go to Steak N’ Shake because that place is open 24 hours. We were seated at a booth and A sits on one side C. It had to be some ploy because I wasn’t sure who to sit next to. A told me to sit next to C, so I did. Plus, I think it was easier for me to sit by C because I was facing A and he is the one I’m more comfortable with. We ordered and got some burgers. I noticed that C’s arm would rub against mine. Sure, I could take into account that he is 6’7” and probably about 265lbs and I’m not the tiniest girl ever...and we were sitting in a booth. The guys ate really quickly and it sorta made me self conscious because I am a slow eater. So I try to finish up my food and C offered to pay. Take note, I really don’t like people paying for me when I’m out. I find it to be a bit troublesome on my part because I always feel as if I owe them something. We leave S&S and C was tired so we called it a night. C was driving, so I can’t complain too much.
I get home and make the boys get out of the car because I’m a huggy sorta person. So I hug A and hug C. Because of the difference in height, C’s hug was sort of, I don’t know, a little more sensual than the hug from A. C’s arm was wrapped around the lower half of my back and I swear, if he had more knowledge of who I am or more guts, he would’ve pinched my butt. I talked to A after he got home and asked some questions about C and who exactly he was. A said that C was impressed and really liked my hugs. Though something that was relayed from C caught me off guard. C said that A and I should be together because we are like the same person. I asked A what he meant and he explained that A and I are both chubby, book smart, reading sorta people.
So here I am, a bit lost as to what to do. I found out that A had a crush on me back in high school but never told me. Halfway through freshman year, he left for another school to take care of his father. He told me that he wanted to ask me to homecoming. In retrospect, had things worked out between A and I, I have a feeling that a lot of our skeletons wouldn’t be there. But, that’s life and it’s a bitch sometimes. So we get off the phone and call it a night at about 4am.
I wake up at 9 and soon thereafter get a text from A talking about how the woman he’s been with doesn’t want to be with him anymore. So it went from an amazing night to a shitty morning. So now, all day I’ve been worrying about A, wondering about C and attempting to focus on a paper I need to write.
So tell me…what the hell do I do now? A loves someone who physically shouldn’t ever try to love him back but does and hurt him; A loved me and still cares about me; A tried to hook me up with his friend C knowing full well that he still cares about me; and I still care about A, even though I know it will hurt him and myself as well.
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Just when I thought I finally had something good going for me and it all crumbles. Yeah, that's my life right there. The issues with A and C are back. Ya know what? I realized that maybe it's better for me to not bother with anyone. Yes, I say that a lot, but when most of my problems stem from the same root, I just need to cut ties and chalk it up as a loss. After the initial meeting, I wait to hear from C and find out that C has no desire to hang out with me, he thinks that A and I should be together. I give it second though with A and find out that he's with a married woman. I talk to a coworker and find out that she knows A...and how he cheated on his ex, who ironically is her best friend. I talk to A, he said his ex was crazy and that they had been apart a month before he dated another person. I tell my coworker and then end up hearing from his ex. I just wanted to give up there and then. I talked to A and realize that I do care about him, but how can I trust him? I give up and move on.
I got a call from C today - first time he's contacted me since we met. What do I hear? C wants to hook me up with A. I called C to tell him that A and I can't and won't ever be anything more than friends. I personally cannot handle the drama. A texts me after I get off the phone with C to say that I move fast - as in,about 3 weeks ago, I had told A that I cared about him before finding out that he was with the married woman. I am pissed off because not only did A try to hook me up with C, but now C is trying to hook me up with A. Worst part? C said that he wanted a date for A because he had a date and wanted to double date. WHAT A FUCKING SLAP TO THE FACE. You contact me to say that you have a date, don't give a shit that the only reason you're talking to me is for your benefit? Really? I am done with it all.
This WHOLE problem started when old classmates of mine tried to hook me up with someone, who fucked me over. A came as a friend/rebound. A pretty much has been the cause to many many of my problems and I think maybe my life would be better off without him.
Yeah, I'm done with it all. I haven't been intimate with anyone for probably about 5 or so years, why start now? It's overrated. Too much drama for a little pleasure. Not into it anymore. Sorry.
Title from "Broken-Hearted Girl" by Beyonce |
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thanks I'm starting to feel somewhat better. I'm up early cause I need to go renew my license 
I'll give that a try
