I will let you down/I will make you hurt...
"Mirror, mirror
on the wall.
Do you see me?
Do you hear me at all?
I see the pain
only you do not.
You show deception
or "beauty" with secrets.
You try to hid the fear,
the pain, the humiliation,
but you see it is always near.
Mirror, mirror
show me my beauty
as well as my flaws.
It's the truth and your duty
it is your call.
Mirror, mirror
on the wall."
It's hard to believe that in less that 150 days I'm going to be 18. It's time for me to grow up and that's a scary thought. It feels like I'll be on my own, although I know I won't. I'll still have my family there to fall back on occasionally, but that's the thing. Occasionally. I have to make mistakes and more that 75% of the time handle them on my own and I don't know why that seems to frighten me so, but it does. It's actually hit me that once I turn of age, I can't come running back to Mommy and Daddy everytime something doesn't go my way or if I get in trouble. Granted, I'll have more freedom once I'm legally and "adult", but I feel that's a window of opportunity to get myself into even more trouble that I was as a "child".
In the past few weeks, I've learned so much about so many things. I've learned about myself and what really matters the most to me. I used to have an egocentric look on life. You know the whole, it's all about me and I'm invincible. Truth is, everything is not about me and I'm not able to survive everything. I'm only human; I'm not some divine being who is granted more privledges than any other person on this planet. I've come to accept that I need to be less concerned about myself and my opinions and start exploring other people and respect their opinions. More importantly, I've learned that life reallly isn't fair and life doesn't ask your opinion nor does it care how you feel or what you have to say about situations. It is the job of life to give it and it is the job of us to take it, man up, and handle it. Literally, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I've come to realize that I've really put my family through hell the past couple of years. I've lied to them and kept things from them thinking I could handle them without them. But the truth is, I've needed them all along. I've cost them thousands of dollars and so many tears. I was supposed to be the "golden one" and it turns out, I'm just a huge joke. I feel like my family put so much pressure on me to be the "perfect" one; the one who gives our family name a good standing within our community, but I've done the exact opposite. I've disappointed them and that hurts the most. I was supposed to be the child between my older brother and me to get the good grades and excel in school and athletics, but I quit everything I started. Out of fear, lack of encouragement, or just plain laziness. Every sport I played, I didn't play for fun or the "love" of it, I played so my dad would watch and be proud that I was his daughter, but he never once came to my games or even took me to a practice. The one thing I truely loved doing, I stopped for my "first love". My mom gave me the ultimatium, either him or dance and I chose him. I have no regrets in life, but sometimes I do wish I could go back and change things, just to see what my life would be like now. I reached a point in my life where I was so depressed and out of control that I would fall into bad habits, just like my parents. I'd do drugs like my dad and have eating disorders like my mom. I lived a lie. I'd wake up every morning and put a smile on with my make-up and pretend like I was this overly enthuisatic happy person, when in reality I was dying inside. People who know me, look at me and think, "I bet she never cries. She has it so good," but I'm not the "perfect" person I pretend to be. I'm totally flawed just like everyone else. I feel like everywhere I go, with everything I do, I'm always judged as the "happy-go-lucky, gets everythings she wants" girl. But that's not me. In fact, I don't even know who exactly I am. But I'm still young. I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that looks can be deceiving. I'm not the "grown-up" I portrayed myself as and it's going to be hard to convince people that I am still growing and learning. Especially to my family, who I've hurt and disappointed but it's not optional. I have to get my act together; I have to grow up.
"I hurt myself today/to see if I still feel/I focus on the pain/The only thing that's real/The needle tears a hole/The old familiar sting/Try to kill it all away/But I remember everything/What have I become/My sweetest friend/Everyone I know/goes away in the end/And you could have it all/My empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt..."
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