What hurts the most...
"What hurts the most/ is being so close/ and having so much to say/ and watching you walk away..."
DEAR YOU♥;;
I don't know exactly how to start this...
I woke up in the middle of the night and all I could think of is what I wanted to write in this letter, but the funny thing is, I forgot everything I wanted to say to you. I guess, since you'll never read this, organization doesn't particularly matter much...
For a long time I moped around, with an absolutely crumbled heart. You weren't my first love, but I know losing you definitely hurt more than losing him. I haven't quite figured out why losing you hurt so bad, but I have theories. I think the strongest theory is because you were my second chance at this whole "love" experience. I mean, it's not like I'll never get an opportunity to be in love again, it's just...I don't know...The first time I fell in love, it was mostly his fault that the relationship ended. For a long time I thought I had done something wrong or that I hadn't loved him good enough. So, I took it hard. I lost so much weight. I lost all interest in all my friends and family; even my grades suffered. I felt like a complete failure. But then I realized, life goes on. No matter how long I mope and lay in bed shoving Ben and Jerry's down my throat, the sun will still rise; the flowers will continue to bloom; everything wouldn't stop to mope and be depressed with me. I picked myself up, dusted off, and lived. For the first time in months, I actually smiled for real. Not a fake smile, but a genuine smile. That's when he begged and pleaded for me to take him back and that's when I finally realized it wasn't my fault the relationship ended. I felt so relieved and I felt hopeful because I wasn't a failure. I know the reason why we're not together is because of me. I became my biggest fear. I became failure Not just in our relationship, but I became failure to myself.
I try to get over you...I really, really try. But I can't. I take one step forward and then seven steps back. I finally slept good one day last week. I didn't dream of you that night...and honestly, for once I was thankful you didn't haunt my dreams. The next night, I threw all your clothes onto the floor except for one shirt...the last one I can't get rid of it. It still smells of you. God, do I miss you...waking up in the middle of the night to find myself safely in your arms; listening to you murmur in your sleep...I still cry. I cry hard. I can't help it...I know you want me to me strong but you know how I am. I worry too much and I'm a planner. I freak out when I don't know what's gonna happen. You always had a way to calm me down...but I can't ask you to hold me now...
I lay awake sometimes and wonder if you even think about me anymore...I wonder if you've thought about calling or even if I'm still breathing. I wonder if you ever cry for me. I wonder if you love me still or even if you ever did love me. I feel crushed because you I feel like you've moved on and completely forgotten about me. I feel bad for the frustration I've caused you and your family...I'm so sorry for everything.
I have a feeling after all our court dates and sentencing is done with (even though you said you wanted to get back together) we won't be together again because I'm scared you've forgotten me. It seems as if you are ashamed of me, I mean you didn't even tell your friends we broke up when I was "so important" to you...you didn't even tell them we got into trouble together...nothing. Sometimes, I lay awake and wonder if that's all you ever thought of me. As nothing...
I don't know what more I can say except...I'm one hundred percent heartbroken...
LOVE;;
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