My soul is tearing and spilling into the universe, and you don't even care. I'm being ripped to shreds piece by piece as you steal my heart, and my sanity, and my security without batting an eye.
I'm getting ready to leave town and you message me, and like always I begin holding my breath. I'm afraid that if I breathe, I might breathe out the words of devastation, and longing, and pain and sheer elation that the thought of you sends twisting and thrashing like a tornado in my mind and heart. There you are, typing. I cling to each moment waiting to see what you say next. I keep my guard up. I wait. I wait to see what you say next, to see how much of myself I can afford to give in the next sentence, the next moment, the next breath. I hold myself back. I refrain. I keep from giving into you. I look away because I'm afraid that the next line may take away my power to control myself. I'm afraid of you like a heroine addict is of a needle. I'm afraid that the piercing words of your mouth, or the soft green glow of your eyes may draw me into this destructive beauty. I'm afraid I can't say no again. I don't think I'm strong enough.
We exchange words, and pauses. Formalities, and quaint heavily guarded inquiries. I'm packing. You're sick. The weathers great. We're both tired. You're accepted to University, I'm waiting for a call for an interview. We speak in short sentences, as if at any moment we could explode, and become a star shining bright in the midnight sky . And even through electronic receivers I feel the pull again. I can't control it. It's an ancient groaning that makes my heart race, and my body ache to be near you. I feel my head swimming. I'm confused. I'm drowning. You are an undertow and I am a little girl, being swept out into the ocean. I'm pleading in my mind for someone bigger than me, or you, to reach in and pull me out, but they don't. There isn't anyone. It's just me against the universe. It's our minds against our hearts, dear boy, and every day I think we become one step closer to loosing.
I need to go. I need to go. It's all that's going through my mind. But I'm paralyzed. I need you. I need this. I can feel you. I know you're there. I'm complete in this moment, even a world away. Intellectually I want to stand up, and shut down the computer, and move on with my life, but I can't. The need is too primal, and there's no stopping it now boy.
"What's going on with the wedding?"
"it's off"
we've lost now.
Now you're talking and my heart is racing and we're here together only if it is through finger tips, and bitten lips, and I know you see me a world away. I can feel your eyes on me, your breath on my neck. I know it. You joke about having babies together. We talk about life in the past, and in the future - though you make sure to tip toe around promises and plans. You think it's easy to pass off. It isn't. We breathe, and I know that you are doing it too. I know you are there. I can feel it. My body is screaming. I can't stop it. My heart is thumping against the walls of my chest. You're here. I feel you. We talk some more. Freudian jokes of marriage, and love, all so true and unspoken til now.
I see you on a camera in a bedroom. Your beard growing in as you begin the descent of your day - and my soul is screaming I need you. My soul is yelling for you. All I can do is flipantly remark. You're here in my heart again.
Get out.
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