until the stars fall from the sky

06/06/2009

Whenever I'm facing the sun I think of you. I feel like I am living that cream song "In the sunshine of your love.".. Only - I don't have your love anymore. You're gone. And, I continue to reflect on what we were, what we are, and what we may never be [yet could have been]. I think about the way your chest felt under the covers. The smooth soft supple skin of your body against my palm as the rough duvet scraped the top of my hand while I ran it over your abdomen. Life with you was in the same fashion, it seemed that you were the gentle reprieve from the every day hardness of life's dealings.

Driving through the mountains today - I remembered when we were climbing. I remember how you told me not to look until we reached the top. You wanted me to see the sea below us, and the shores of schull in the distance. You wanted me to see the enormity of the raging irish sea as it bowed and broke against the hard and unmoveable shore. I walked up, as you asked, the entire way looking to the right, not to ruin the suprise (although I hadn't a clue at the time what it was). I remember taking your hand, callused and strong to guide me so I wouldn't fall. Then I did it, half way up the mountain. I turned and looked and I nearly fell. I kept praying you hadn't seen, you hadn't seen the shock in my eyes. I prayed that you hadn't seen the complete humility that was instilled in me when I saw it. & yet we were only half way up a mountain. I looked at you, your bright eyes lost their shine, and you looked like a balloon deflated. I told you I was sorry. I tried to be cute, and I ran to you and grabbed you and covered my eyes - saying I hadn't seen a thing. We kept walking - but you weren't giddy anymore. You weren't excited. You were devestated, and I was so sorry. Although I'd glanced, and I hadn't seen it properly, and when we got to the top I was still looking to the right - not the left. Despite your disappointment - despite my selfish need to take control of the situation - you stood beside me and you gently whispered "look.".

I was so incredibly foolish. I'd trade all of my tomorrows to be able to go back and do that one yesterday over again. I'd have waited. I'd have let you take me to the top, and hold me in your arms like you wanted. I would have let you have complete control of it, and the indescribable beautiful would have only been magnified.

I acted so dumb, because I was afraid of loosing you. Because I was young and I was stupid and I knew that that you wouldn't be here forever. I knew that forever wasn't ours. I wish I could spend a day with you now. Because I love you just as much now as I did all those years ago - only now I am older and I am more mature. I don't have to act foolish - or try to push you away - because I've already lost you. All that's left now is an unrequited love which will not die, no matter the lengths I go to smolder it. Despite the intervening years - I still feel you on my skin, and in my soul. I still breath in your life and your essence from half a world away.