She is halfway down now, but the man is impatient

04/14/2009

Listening to the Dresden Dolls again for the first time in a while. I love how music can move you, can take you back to a place or a time or a mood.

I left WoW to go to bed and instead started playing with the eggs obsessively. Sometimes I'm scared of going to sleep. I don't like not being up, not thinking, not feeling alive. I know that when I take my pill and go to sleep I'll not want to get up again. I know I'll sleep in late and when I do wake I'll feel like going nowhere. I know that just getting out of my bed will be a huge obstacle to overcome. I don't want to go back there, so I don't want to sleep.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the doctors about my underactive thyroid gland. They should put me on nice medication. I'm also going to ask about the possibility of getting stronger pain medication to counter the cystitis. I may also for those little bottles to put urine samples in so next time it flares up I can take some in for them to test. If it *is* caused by an infection it'll be a lot easier to treat, but last time the doctor told me the test came back clear, and that it was likely an inflammation caused by stress.

I do not like this theory. It means there's little I can do but guzzle water and take ibuprofen.

I get so bad with the ibuprofen too. Two just won't cut it. Four sometimes does, but normally it's six or eight. It's not unusual for me to take sixteen in a day when I get a bad flare up.

It's been a while since the last self harm. Less than a week, but noticeable days. It's not done yet, though. I haven't given up my sharp things yet (and indeed I have more this time around). It's almost like a waiting game, knowing that there will come a point when that force that exists in the back of my head will rear its head, and I'll lose control again.

It's like being watched by a crocodile. You're trapped. There's no high ground to climb to and while it might be sitting in the water at the moment, in a minute it's going to move and you can't stop it, can't hide or escape. It devours you in its own time. It is completely in control. It doesn't matter if you manage to move out of the way of one snap - it's inevitable. It has you. Nothing is yours.

It's so sad. Some of my eggs haven't had any clicks at all.