Although admittedly one was about my dragon eggs so it hardly counts.
I've calmed down a little from the desperately self-hating self-destructive mood of earlier. I'm still not feeling great, but I'm not going to do anything so stupid or passive aggressive as try and hide from the world for a week.
Now, sadly, I have the guilt stage.
Tomorrow I'm meant to be going out for a game, and I have cuts on my neck. Pretty high on my neck. Curving over onto my face. They bled a fair bit. So, essentially, these are not going to be injuries that I can reasonably hide.
And most people get a bit worried when they see that one of their friends has taken a knife to their face.
I'm also not a hundred percent certain I'm not going to do more tonight.
So do I log back on, start facing people again and accept that they're going to see and thus not bother trying to hide? Or should I miss the game and try and lay low for a bit, and risk 1) them worrying that I've not been around, and 2) that I'll end up making myself more miserable and doing more damage and thus having to hide for longer.
At the end of the day, I'm not really sure what to do. As two of my housemates are also in this game and probably going to offer me a lift, I can't just 'not show up'. Hence my frustration two entries ago at living with people who know me. Nor can I really say no without giving a reason. Nor can I realistically spend the next week or two scurrying around hiding from my housemates while my cuts heal.
I'd say, 'damn it, why couldn't I have just stuck to my arm?', but I got such immense relief and satisfaction from finding that part of my top was soaked with blood that I can't even really pretend to regret it. I feel bad that people are going to see and worry. I wish I didn't cause that kind of response. But I don't regret doing it. On the contrary, it's been over a month and a half, and it's like coming home again.
But that's addiction for you. That's how these things work. Of course it feels good. Drink, drugs, porn, self harm, what have you - it's all the same in the end. |
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