1. a beginning

So, this is my first entry in this online diary - although it is not my first online diary, or my first diary on this site. However, it has been a long time since I have been here, so I guess I should explain some things about my life.

I just turned twenty four years old. I don't have a conventional job, but currently I make my living in land leasing contracts. I don't make a lot, but it is enough to cover the bills for now. I want to get a regular paying job, even if I'm not able to have many hours at first, to supplement my income. We are in the middle of a winter storm at the moment though, and I have been snowed in for about two weeks. Until it passes, I guess I will have to cool my heels about looking for a job. I also have an online bookstore through Amazon. I collect books. I live in a small, poor town that is peppered with yard sales all summer long, and most people will give a box of books away at the end of the day to keep from packing them back to their homes, and I always take them.

I have a boyfriend, we've been together for two years. He just told me two days ago that he would like to move in together, so I am pretty excited about that.
I own my house, so my boyfriend will be moving in with me. My house is nice, but it needs a lot of work. He is talking about helping me to make a lot of repairs, and I am overjoyed to hear him making plans to help me.

I have gone to college under many different majors and trades, but I have yet to finish. It is my plan to go back to school online for an Associates in Business Management - but I have to pay my former college some money before they will release my transcript. I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life as far as a career, but in my opinion making plans for a career is a gamble in today's world because even if you do finish college and internships and all that - there is still no guarantee that you will not be working at Taco Bell.

I, as a woman of a certain weight, am always planning to lose a few pounds. However, in the last year or so I have not made very much progress with it. I am still twenty pounds under my largest weight, but I would like to lose a lot more. My ultimate goal is to become a daily runner, but that will take some practice.

I am a practicing artist, and occasionally I am a paid artist. I haven't done very much artistic work in the past half of a year, my mind has been preoccupied with other things - but it is something that I plan to revive quickly. I have written several books for children, one of which has been approved to be published as soon as I illustrate it. I would love to eventually write novels, or essays and sell books for a living as a writer. It's one of my many pipe dreams.

That's just a little about me.

I feel a little lost truthfully. I have no role model. I can not think of a single female influence, on television or in my real life, who embodies the person I would like to become. I feel as though I have no example by which to live and plan my life. I would like to think I am capable of being my own role model, but the person I am is only a fraction of the person I want to be - and if I were to try to live up to all of my aspirations at once I would live and die a complete failure. I guess it is a little unfair to just expect that someone else should live up to all these expectations first, if I am unable to even do it myself.

I need someone to look up to, someone who inspires me to try harder to mold my own life. I need someone that makes me want to flourish, even if they are not everything I imagine.