I haven't slept at all. My sleeping pattern just keeps getting worse and worse, yet I let it. I say to myself, "I should go to bed." Yet, I don't. I'm blaming myself for my sleeping pattern, as I'm blaming myself for my depression.
I'm starting to find aggravation in the things I used to like. Reading, playing games and writing. I can't stay on Black ops 2, or GTA5 long because it starts to annoy me quite easily. And I'm only naming the online games, the ones I can play with my boyfriend. Yet, the only game I can tolerate playing is Minecraft. Yet I have this horrid feeling that everyone I play with will stop playing and find something else to do. -It hurts me to be honest, that the only thing I can find comfort in doing with my boyfriend is playing games. We share very little interests otherwise. My anxiety stops me from leaving the house and going out like a normal couple would. I'm aware that these problems are my own undoing. But, I wonder, is it selfish to ask for help when it was your fault to begin with?
Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to go outside worry free. I would love to walk past another without having that awful insecurity. Or without that dreaded panic that they may be judging me. I'm aware I shouldn't care what other people think, but that's not the point. I want people to look at me and NOT judge me, I want people too like me. That sounds really spoilt and incredibly self-centred. But I've grown up most of my life with people disliking me, pushing me and hurting me. I just want to be accepted and the only way I feel safe from worry, is hiding away in my bedroom. The only way I can avoid rejection, is to remain in my safe zone.
BUT, I'm aware this isn't good for me. I've invited my tiny group of friends (one and perhaps another I'm not too sure of), and boyfriend out this Thursday, so I can treat them to a meal. But will this help with my anxiety, or strengthen it? I KNOW, that if ANYTHING will go wrong my efforts will be wasted and I'll be back in my safe-zone. I'm incredibly nervous... I wish I had something to stop myself from worrying too much.
In other news, my mum wants me to go to doctor about my depression. I think I agree with her. I can't let myself get to the point of no return. I don't want to take medication, but I need to see someone about this. Its the same thing day in and day out. In my room, doing nothing but computer, game, sleep, eat. Its incredibly tedious. I hate it so damned much, but I know I wouldn't have this issue if I could go outside care-free. I don't want my life to be like this, i feel so petty in this giant world. So small and useless. I want to do something.
I wonder if my Aspergers Syndrome plays a large part in this? Or a small one? Or is it something more than Aspergers?
Is there something more wrong with me? I have a strong feeling there is.
I guess visiting a doctor, is a small step to a long recovery...
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