don't tear me down

my grandmother's best friend, vada, her son died last night - so they're all here (vada, her daughter, partner, etc) and the funeral is probably going to be on thursday. my aunt says that i have to go because of vada, because she was my grandma's best friend. i don't really feel like that holds much water though because i haven't seen vada in two years or so and she never calls anymore or anything and i've only met her son a handful of times and honestly? he was an asshole. i don't get why people do that. why sit around and talk about how great someone was when they were an asshole and you didn't get along with them in real life? it's stupid. i get that he's her kid and it sucks to have to bury your kid, but come on now, be real. i hope people don't do that at my funeral. i hope they all sit around and talk about what a twat i was. they do that now, so i don't think it should be any different. they talk about my grandma that way too though. everyone conveniently forgets all the bad shit she did and what a bitch she was. it doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

my aunt keeps going on about how we need to "be a family" and support vada - which is all well and good but again, lets be honest here - we're only a family when something happens or i "need talked to." granted, i talk to tori a lot and my brother, but i only hear from my aunt when she wants something or whatever. so, "family?" haha no. i really don't think family means the same thing to me as it does to her. i mean, me and my aunt get along for the most part, but she is not very nice really, and i think part of my problem is that i have not forgiven her (or my dad and grandma) for the things that were said when i was coming out. the only people that didn't say anything were my brother, tori, and stevie (and christina of course). they were the only ones who said "i don't give a shit who you sleep with." no one knows that i haven't forgiven anyone because i act like it's all fine. just shrug it off and square my shoulders and keep on going. that's what i do. even tori admits that her mom (my aunt) is not the nicest person ever. she's always saying "no one said my mother is nice" and it's this huge thing that no one talks about. my aunt is also very intimidating. she scares the living shit out of me, always has. when my father and i argue to the point where it almost comes to blows and my brother isn't around, all i have to do is threaten to call my aunt and he knocks it right off. so, sometimes, it is a good tool to use. my aunt is the only mother sort of figure that i have, and fuck knows i don't have a "real" father, so i put up with things. it's what i do.

sometimes, i feel like i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me - or they choose not to. such is life though, right? time to square my shoulders.

i don't know. maybe i'm a heartless bitch but i'm running low on sympathy these days. i'll go for ryan though but only because he asked me to.