i try to leave but i have to stay

i just have to get this out, i guess.

tori and i went out yesterday for beers/to watch some football. she needed a break from my aunt (her mom), so we went out and had a good time. in the car on the way to where we were headed, she got to venting and said you know, i finally get what you mean. your aunt is completely narrow-minded and all i could think was yeah, no shit, welcome to my life. i mean, my aunt talks a good game to make it sound good for everyone - but the truth is, she's very close-minded. she always has been. she wants things her way, she thinks everyone should swallow her opinions and if they don't well, you must be stupid. she doesn't even really approve of any choice tori makes when it comes to men, and tori's straight. granted, tori hasn't exactly made gang buster choices (terry john) but she knows that and doesn't regret it because of her children.

anyway, i'd had like four beers by the time we got on the subject of way my aunt doesn't think i'm really gay. my first initial thought was "i am not drunk enough for this shit" but wait, it got better when tori explained. are you ready? apparently, my aunt doesn't think i'm really gay "because i never bring anyone around - and i liked men in high school." ARE YOU SERIOUS? as tori was telling me, i was in the process of swallowing and i swear, i almost did a spit take.

1) I NEVER BRING ANYONE AROUND BECAUSE A) I DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE SHE IS A BITCH. AND B) i know that if/when i do, shit will be said, smart comments will be made, and i will get pissed off. i tried to bring aleshia around when my grandmother died and they didn't let me, they told me "no. it's not the right time" AND I WAS COMPLETELY, INSANELY IN LOVE WITH HER AND NEEDED HER THERE. and how are you ever, EVER going to get used to something if you don't want me to bring someone i love around, during a time when i needed her so badly that i ached?

2) did it ever fucking occur to her that maybe you figure out who you are during high school? truth is, i figured it out way before i told even my friends but i just didn't say anything because of the reaction i knew i'd get. i still think men are hot, gorgeous, etc and will still make out with them. DOES IT MEAN I WANT TO FUCK THEM? NO (not as a girl anyway, but that's another issue for another day). JUST BECAUSE I LIKE GIRLS, DOESN'T MEAN I HATE MEN!!! i do not.

what i want to know - what i really want to know is, why does she have a problem with me and not my aunt marsha? my aunt marsha was married to a man and had two kids when she came out. why am i fucking different? what's wrong with me that makes it so fucking horrible to her? and what's it going to take for her to believe me? screwing some chick in front of her? tori doesn't bring anyone around my aunt either, she refuses to for the same reasons i do - and she's kind of talking to three different guys right now. but she told me she doesn't bring anyone around because my aunt will judge and she fucking makes you want to die. i can't even hug rhonda without my aunt being all accusatory, implying that she knows something is going on between me and rhonda (and doesn't approve. oh no no - can't like anything jamie does, ever). if there was, it's none of her damn business and i sure as shit wouldn't be telling her ass. it was a damn hug for christ sake. does she honestly think that i would've gone through all the shit i did when i had to come out - that i would've gone through my grandmother telling me that she hates me and my aunt telling me that i was fucked in the head and forcing me to have to sneak around with aleshia if i wasn't completely sure i was gay? I KNOW.

this is also part of the reason why i have zero ambition to do anything. because i know - i know that in my soul, nothing i ever wanted to do would ever be good enough - so why even try? and i know that that sounds like a cop-out but i've heard it all my life. i said i wanted to be a journalist, "oh. you can't do that. you're in a wheel chair." i also know that part of it's me, too. i stand in my own way. i can admit that - but she has to admit her part too, as does tori (i love her to death but sometimes, she doesn't help the situation), instead of just calling me "lazy" all the time. a lot of it has to do with how i was raised, too. it's not all my fault. some of it is - i admit that i am a serious failure and fuck up - but shouldn't they admit their part in it too? i didn't get this way because i was loved and nurtured, that's for sure.

god, thanksgiving is going to be so fucking awkward now because i'm not going to want to talk to my aunt.