"obviously you're not one of those dykes that hate men." | 05/31/2010 |
heteroville, hahaha.
i haven't updated in awhile, so i figured i'd tell you all about my shenannigans with tommy gasser. he's this boy who i went to elementary school with and had a massive crush on when i was little. he wouldn't give me the time of day back then, but he was nice and always smelled really good and was very pretty, hence the crush. fast forward to now, we text each other and talk on facebook and stuff - i'm in his phone under "sexy" because he says that i'm sexy and for the record, he's pretty much still a hot ass. he's a bodybuilder, he does all these shows and stuff, it's pretty cool. he's in my phone under 'hot ass', he knows i'm into the chicks but we still flirt hardcore because flirting is what i do. i flirt like i breathe, you know. that, and i have a serious case of penis envy, but that's neither here nor there. well, it factors into it a little, whatever. 
anyway, we went to lunch on wednesday, i was just going to meet him there originally but then my chair died, so he said he'd just come pick me up. so he picked me up (after getting lost on the way to my house) in his hot car and we went to lunch. we ate and sat there talking for like two hours. by the time we left, he was getting hungry again haha. as we were getting ready to leave, he asked "what's next?" and i said i didn't care, so he was like "do you wanna go see a movie?" and i was like "sure!" so he paid for lunch, he wouldn't let me (i told him i was going to run him over), and we went to the movies. going into the theater, i was like "people are going to think i'm your kid because i look about nine years old and it'll be incestuous because i think you're hot" and he goes "hey, at least we're both hot!" haha. we argued over what movie to see and finally decided on shrek. it was cute - but i kept getting distracted because a)we were the only ones in there and b) HE'S VERY DISTRACTING. HE SMELLS REALLY GOOD AND HE KEPT LOOKING AT ME AND SMILING OR WINKING so i'd punch him in the thigh and hurt my hand and he'd laugh and say i hit like a girl. he did let me pay for the movie though, so yay.
after the movie, i thought he was going to drop me home but he was like "what now?" and made me decide what we were doing and if you know me, you know what i am very indecisive so it takes me eight years to decide where i want to go. we were discussing it in the car and i was like "you know, if i were straight? we'd totally fail as a couple. we'd never decide on anything or get anything done, and so we'd just stay home and ruin our lives having too much sex!" and he got this big ass grin and was like RIGHT?! it was funny. but then i mentioned drinking and movies and he was like "sounds like a plan. lets do that!" and of course, alcohol = jamie right the hell on board, so i was like "yay!" then i told him my accent comes out when i'm drunk and i'd let him feel me up, so he was like "yes, this is an awesome plan." he went and got tequila 1800 and made me wait in the car because he was like "no offense but everyone's gonna think i'm buying tequila for a nine year old, wait here" i laughed and said it was fine. some guy outside the liquor store told him when he was going in to not let me drive away with his car and he goes "that's okay. she's hot, but she can't even reach the pedals" and he looked back at me and smiled - i flipped him off out the window hahaha.
we went back to his place, he carried me in and was like "woo i get to touch you!" haha. he let me sit in his big comfy chair while he carried all my shit in, we got all settled, he handed me a beer, i did a shot and we were off. oh man, my little 80 pound self drank half a bottle of tequila on an empty stomach because i didn't eat much at lunch. let me tell you, bad life choice. it was fine at first. he sat on the floor next to me and we were watching zombieland, talking. he said he liked drinking because i talk more and have less of a filter than i do sober haha. i kept asking him "why are you sitting all the way down there?" and he promised he'd sit in the chair with me later - meanwhile, we're just slamming back shot after shot. i remember drunk dialing my brother at his work because we were hungry and i wanted my brother to bring us pizza but it turns out, he didn't deliver all the way out there. i was bummed - but i remember going "dustin! i'm about to act very heterosexual right now!" and my brother was like "man, you must be loaded." he told me he loved me and we hung up. then i remember tommy asking me if going down on a pregnant girl tastes any different and i was like "i don't know. i stay away from pregnant chicks, usually. pregnant ruins it for me, you know?" and he was like "that's my girl." next thing i remember is the pizza coming, him handing me more shots, straddling me, and us making out hard core. full on hand in the bra, hand down the pants, etc. i don't know when that ended, but i woke up puking haha. i puked all over. i mean everywhere. and then i woke up naked and him going "this is not how i wanted to get you naked, you know" lol. and apparently, he gave me one of his sweatshirts to put on and i puked on that as well. i woke up in his big chair at 5:30 naked again, so i got in my chair, went in his room and woke him up and was like "will you cuddle me, please? i won't puke. i feel okay now." he laughed and said i must still be drunk because i want to cuddle but he lifted me in his bad and snuggled with me and i fell asleep again. woke up to my hand in the top of his jeans, right on his pubes. don't ask because i really, really do not know. he got up and peed, came back and totally wrapped himself around me some more. it's been awhile since i've had 225 pounds of hot man on me haha. i woke up again and he was already up moving around, so i asked him to help me in my chair and i was like "um. did we... have sex?" and he laughed and was like "unfortunately, no." and i was like "oh, good. still gay then. " and he cracked up and was like "do i break your gay?" and i just laughed.
he made me a greasy breakfast, washed my clothes, and called me babydoll a lot. it was all very domestic but not weird, you know? if a girl had been doing all of that i would've flipped the hell out, but it was nice with him. my brother's really the only one that does stuff like that for me. he said that i was cute in the mornings haha. i was so embarrassed though because i puked. i kept saying "how much do you hate me for puking all over?" and he told me to not be silly, that next time he'd make sure i ate before we drank and i was like good, because i can hold my liquor, i really can and he was like "i know. i've heard stories, miss "professional drinker." i don't even want to know what stories he's heard haha.
he dropped me home and my dad was like "so, are you pregnant?" and tommy was like "no. i don't want babies." and i was like me either! and then tommy goes "stop angsting over this, i can hear the gears turning in your head. i don't hate you, it was just making out and we were tanked." and i was like "how did you know what i was thinking?" he said i was easy to read. but we made plans for this week. i'm excited because he's awesome and i've never had chemistry with a dude before, not like this. and i actually want to be friends with him, that doesn't happen often considering how hard i work to not make friends with people. but we have nice chemistry, we have the same mean humor. he doesn't care that i'm a rude asshole because he's one too. i told him he was basically me with a cock and he was like "pretty much. you're me with a twat. no wonder we get along." that, and i enjoy pretty people. he'll walk by me and just randomly run his fingers through my hair. when i asked him why, he was like "i just like it. it's boyish." so that made me happy haha. even if i'm talking to someone, he'll do it and keep walking haha. my brother said we should do it. he goes "it doesn't really make you less gay. you don't think of yourself as a chick anyway. you totally think with your dick like guys do." it made me laugh because i do. i love my brother haha. he's a funny kid.
anyway. that was my venture into tanked heterosexual-ville for the night. i have a massive bruise right under my ass that i am assuming is from that night, too. i don't remember what i did but it hurts. and my title? tommy said that one the way back to my house and i was like "nah. dick don't scare me. doesn't mean i'd marry it though" and he goes "marriage is overrated" and i was like "omg, you really are me!" 
thoughts, comments, concerns?
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AH-mazing. You should totally bone him. Just sayin.
i agree with the above commenter 
Hahaha Jamie, I love this. I can't stop laughing at the thought of you and this dude making out all drunk and shit. You SHOULD bang him, because he's hot and he wants it haha. I never would have guessed you'd say this stuff about a guy