okay I am so aggervated right now. I have school tomorrow and i feel so upset. i am not for sure exactly why but I am. I wish sometimes that I was back home and I didnt have to worry about all this shit that I do. Yeah I knwo that I will have problems there but not like I fell ike I do here. I love it I do admit that but sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I love Tyler I do I truely do but sometimes I just don't know anymore. he means everything to me and sometimes I think that he doesn't understand my point of view on things. O because I am a girl right? But no. I just wish that he friends wouldn't text me late at night and ask him to come over. Like right now he has two friends that want him to come over. Its up to him. He tells me that he thinks that it isn't going to work between us if I keep it up. I want us to stay together I do and I don't want to have to leave and throw away everything *again*. But his one friend Adian i literally can't stand he ALWAYS does stupid shit and things but he's not my friend. I understand that they have been friends forever and have done a lot of shit together and I shouldn't decide who his friends are. I try to do what is right for the both of us and just like the saying * damn if you do, damn if you don't.* well that is exactly what happens to me. When I think that I am doing something good it always turns out to being something bad. I dont' want to go home, the reason why I say I want to is because I haven't seen my parents in 6 months and I haven't seen anyone else in over 9 months. Its really hard not being able to see your friends and family like you use to. But I am trying to make the best of it and talk to my parents everyday. I just hate it when Tyler and I fight it makes me feel like the worst girlfriend ever and like a controling bitch that I shouldn't be. I should be the girl that my boyfriend goes up to his guy friends and be like * thats the girl i've been telling you about* but nope. I think that all of his friends but like 2 or 3 think that I am a bitch. I dont' mean to come off that way I just have a lot of issues going on inside of me right now. I have the frickin OGTs tmomrrow that if I don't pass than I don't graduate and I don't have a job and my bf and I tend to fight a lot more than we used to. Idk all I know is that I am very moody and I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be proud of myself and to have my boyfriend proud of me too. I am rambling on I know but I need someone to talk to LOL.
Anyways I just want my bf and I to be happy. Sometimes I think that I am not good enough. I know I prob sound like an idiot but I admit it, I try and try. My boyfriend feels trapped and I don't want him to feel like that. He thinks that we moved way to fast in our relationship. I'm sorry its not my fault that I moved in with him I thought that I was doing something good.
Okay so he is leaving to go hang out with his friends. and I will be here alone with his mom sleeping upstairs and the cat down here. He will probably be out until 3 but I will just go to sleep and try to not be upset. Even though I will probably be up every hour on the hour. I hate being here alone. I feel so unsafe and scared. It hurts it does. Maybe I'm just a semintimental girl who needs to grow up and stop being like this.
Great now I am crying. I hate this. If you are reading this you are probably thinking that I am one fucked up girl. Well I am. I am so attached to this boy that it is not healthy at all. It is bringing me down. The thing that I hate is that he leave late at night and doens't get home until early in the morning. I wish I had some sleeping pills that could make me go to sleep and I wouldn't worry. Wait I know what I am. I am a worrier. But I guess I am going to go I have rambled on long enough. Wish me luck on my test tomorrow. |
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