I feel as though I am fighting an ever losing battle. My relationship is unhealthy and i can see it and feel it, I am in a position where no matter what I do or say, my thoughts and feelings cannot be expressed, and now instead of being able to talk to my partner about how I am feeling, or even talk to him about anything in general I have resorted to starting an online diary, in hopes that in some way I will feel as though I can express myself without the backlash of an arguement.
Today like any other day, I spent at home, waiting for my partner to get home, doing house hold things and crafting, when he arrived home I tried to simply sit down and have an adult conversation with him and ask him what his input on getting our dog spaiyed would be as she is just recently pregnant and I do not want to have another unknown batch of puppies later down the raod, but as usual when I try to ask for his input I get the line "its not my dog im not going to be apart of the decision making its up to you" which is the answer I normally get anytime I try to discuss any decision making with him I tried to explain to him that we are a couple and as a common law couple decisions that affect us financially or emotionally or mentally should be a joint decision, its not like i was asking him what underwear would match what bra and which shirt i should wear with what pair of pants. It is becoming tiring, finally he caved in and with an attitude told me that he thinks she should be spaiyed and then followed with, i had her before i met him so its not his dog its mine and its not his decision its mine, and continues to say how like alot of the things in my life he is simply an outsider looking in and has no say in anything what so ever (even though I try to give him the opportunity to put his words in and have a part of the decision making) it is becoming very aggrivating because of the simple fact that I feel as though I do not have a partner, but more so a roommate and i told him this flat out, that i am tired of living like roommates, we barely talk to eachother, we have little to no interaction with eachother unless it consists of sitting on the couch watching a movie or going to bed or having sex.... this is not healthy and i know this, he is constantly complaining that i dont spend time with him i dont interact with him, i dont do anything with him, but i try almost everyday to do things with him and get welcomed with arguements and resistance.
I told him flat out that he may find what i have to say offensive but to hear me out because it is how i feel, and i told him that i feel like i have to appologize to him for not being his ex wife, for not being what he lost.. his ex wife left him for another man and now its like i gain the hostility and anger from the situation. Honestly sometimes I wonder if he even loves me or if he is just too afraid to be alone, often i wonder why i even bother to try and make this relationship work, i cant express my feelings or thoughts to him, and when i hit an emotional string, no matter how i speak to him about it he storms out and then when he comes back its like the conversation never happened, I am feeling very emotionally withdrawn and silenced. I have stopped writing in my journal because even that doesnt feel safe to me, he is always complaining that i spend too much time online, yet hes at work all day and when i have finished the household chores its just me and the dog, when he comes home he is glued to his phone playing games, then when i ask him to come to bed with me like last night it resulted in me waiting for 2 hours for him to get off his phone stop watching youtube videos and actually spend quality time with me......
I am hurt, and devistated by the way this relationship is turning out, it seems as though i am unable to even smile anymore and i constantly feel like i need to just keep to myself and if i say anything it will only turn into an arguement, needless to say amongst it all, i feel like there is no point in trying anymore, he never helps out with house hold chores unless its chopping fire wood and getting a fire going, or maybe if i nag him enough taking out the garbage and loading the dishwasher.......
Honestly i dont believe he is ready or willing or even at this point wants a committed relationship, hes still in love with his ex wife, and because of his inability tp let go of his past, he isnt able to commit himself to his future..... he has told me he wants to marry me picked out a ring and everything, is putting down payments on it, but when i go to talk about making wedding plans, he has nothing but negativety... nothing positive comes out of his mouth, all he can do is complain about how much something is going to cost, including the ring that HE picked out and i fell in love with..... |
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