And sometimes the inspiration comes from the loss of something so personal deep inside of you, and the never-ending quest for innocence...
"Three Years Old"
I was three years old
Had a mom and a dad
A nice house up in Philly
That I could call my home
Had a family all my own
I really did have it all
...
At just three years old
I was just three years old
When I first remember
How quick he grabbed her throat
Threw her to the ground
Careful not to break a bone
Oh, as the tears would flow
I swear he seemed to gloat
I was just three years old
He had a temper and a glare
That would stop you dead
Swear he was the devil and
As the nights grew longer
He often proved just that
I was just three years old
When he taught me of pain
Felt powerless in his stranglehold
Discovered that sometimes in life
You learn what it is
To have no control
To have nothing at all
At just three years old
Then there was a time in my life
Years had passed
He was a distant memory
One of the few I still stand
We were in a different place
A far off distant land
Down in New Orleans
Where good times were had
Even when you were fucked up
All alone
Desperate to be sad
It was cold outside
The blustery December wind
Cut through my second-hand clothes
Space heaters burning high
Hardly any help at all
Still couldn't feel my hands
When a noise on the porch
Signaled a different He returned
Not yet done proving exactly
Exactly how not to be a man
The window suddenly shattered
Screaming drowned out
The television
The Yuletide celebration
I looked to the window
His stare could kill a man
There was a thirst in his eyes
Rage you never forget
Then his eyes widened
And I realized the tree
Decorated with white lights
School-made trinkets
And dollar store garland
Was coated in crimson
From the bloody fountain
That was my mother's leg
I was not yet eight years old
And I helped my mom cope
I rode with the paramedic
I was hardly three years old
And I had learned lessons aplenty
They plague me now in the night
My dreams a fertile playground
For these violent memories
As my conscious mind
Chose survival
An intentional decision
An attempt at life
An attempt to forget
I choose to embrace them now
These long, painful regrets
Wishing I had done more
Been capable, been in control
Somehow managed to save her
When she was without hope
No friend and no help
I was not yet three years old
And I learned so much from the man
Who by blood was my father
Yet by my life and my experience
Was an abject failure
His blood flows through me
In my veins and in my head
Alcohol and a fight
The birthrights he passed on
To which I fight at night
Striving to never give in
You taught me of suffering
You taught me of loss of control
You taught me of regret
The best thing though
That you taught to me
Is to dedicate my life to an addiction
Determination meet introspection
So that I will never be like you
Oh, no, you see instead
I will be a good son
A loyal brother
And one day a better father
I will be an honorable man
A man that never stops trying
That will never forget
I am just shy of thirty-six years old
And I am not finished yet
© Brian Milici
March 27, 2014
Truth.
May you always find your smile.
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