I AM MAD. THE KIND OF MAD THAT WARRANTS CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED A FEW MINUTES AGO THE DEATH OF A PERSON I KNOW. I SAY "PERSON I KNOW" BECAUSE THIS PERSON WAS AN IN-AND-OUT KIND OF FRIEND. A PERSON YOU KNOW A REALLY LONG TIME FROM SCHOOL. A PERSON YOU KNOW SOCIALLY, THAT AFTER HAVING CHILDREN, JOBS, MOVES TO DIFFERENT TOWNS ECT. YOU STILL BUMP INTO ON OCCASION AND IT IS ALWAYS A PLEASURE. THIS PERSON AND I MANAGE TO 'BUMP' INTO EACH OTHER EVERY FEW YEARS. IT ALWAYS HAPPENED TO BE MIDNIGHT AUG 13TH-14TH. THE REASON I EVEN KNOW THAT (BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SO RANDOM TO KEEP TRACK OF SUCH A THING) IS BECAUSE AUG 13TH IS HIS BIRTHDAY AND AUG 14TH IS MINE. IT SEEMED SO STRANGE THAT SOMEHOW THE MYSTICAL TIME THAT MELTED OUR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER INTO ESSENTIALLY HE SAME DAY, WE WOULD SEE EACH OTHER ACROSS A BUSY MALL OR CROWDED BAR AND CELEBRATE OUR FIRST MOVING OUT. TOGETHER.
NOW, THIS PERSON AND I HAD SPENT OUR LAST BIRTHDAYS MEETING RANDOMLY IN A LITTLE BAR DOWN BY THE BEACH. HIS BROTHER WAS WITH HIM AND THEY CAME BACK TO MY HOUSE AFTER WE LEFT THE BAR AND HUNG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND AND HIS FRIEND. ON THIS NIGHT, WE HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION. I HAVE A STICKER ON THE BACK OF MY LAPTOP THAT READS "QUESTION REALITY". HE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT THAT MEANT. IT OPENED A CAN OF WORMS THE SIZE OF THE MILKY WAY. WE SPENT THE NIGHT TALKING ABOUT THE UNITY OF THE UNIVERSE. RARELY DO I FIND A PERSON I CAN EVEN HAVE A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT, WITH OPEN MINDS AND TRUTH. NO JUDGING OR RIGHTIOUSNESS INVOLVED. HE MADE A COMMENT ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT IT. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AT SOME POINT IN THE EVENING "WOW HE LOOKS TERRIBLE".
I WAS SO HAPPY WITH THE WAY THE NIGHT HAD TURNED OUT THAT I COUNT IT IN MY LIST OF TOP 5 BIRTHDAYS. I STILL THINK ABOUT THAT NIGHT AND THAT TALK. THE EAGERNESS TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE. THE REALIZATION THAT I WON'T GET TO HAVE IT HURTS ME. BUT I ALSO REMEMBERED HOW HE HAD CHANGED FROM THE PREVIOUS YEARS THAT WE HAD KARMATICALLY BIRTHDAYED. HIS SUNKEN FACE AND SALLOW SKIN. THE DARK RINGS. HE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE ON ANYTHING AT THE TIME. WE WERE DRINKING BEER AND SMOKED A JOINT.
THIS PERSON OVER DOSED. ON HEROIN. THAT IS WHY I AM MAD. THIS WASN'T SOME TRAGIC 'ACCIDENT'. HE DIDN'T GET MURDERED OR MARTYRED. HE FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF.
HEROIN. WHY? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE SO BRIGHT WOULD EVER TOUCH THE STUFF. I HAVE NEVER DONE IT. I AM NO EXPERT. BUT HONESTLY I THINK THAT UNLESS SOMEONE GOT YOU MESSED UP AND YOU SOMEHOW REMAINED COMPLETELY ALOOF THE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, THAN YOU FUCKING KILLED YOURSELF. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT? IT CAN'T BE THAT FUCKING GOOD. I KNOW I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU BY GIVING YOU A CAPS LOCK BITCHING FROM HELL, BUT YOU COULD HAVE. AND I HOPE THAT PEOPLE LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE. I HOPE THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU WASTED YOUR BODY, YOUR LIFE FORCE WILL MANAFEST INTO SOMETHING THAT IS PURER AND MORE WHOLE THAN YOUR OLD, NEEDY SELF. I HOPE THAT PEOPLE HEAR ABOUT IT AND NEVER EVEN TRY IT. I HOPE THAT IT WILL ENCOURAGE THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKED UP ALL READY TO GET SOME HELP. |
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