Well
I had to wrestle with my guilt for an hour and a half, and go for a walk to think about it before deciding to do this. And I went into your diary to read the entry I knew would be there. In private. If you did the same to me id be spitting bricks though. I do realize that. Im not a complete thickhead.
I mean I accept the doubts thing. I havent had any, because you reassure me every day that you're not like my dad. I accept that you need a little more comforting than most guys, and sometimes come across a little firm or overbearing when we talk about the smallest things. But through all that you seem to make me happy and content, but then you have doubts about me.
I agree, we often talk about me. I was under the impression that you were avoiding questions about your day because it was boring or dull. Or maybe that you were interested in my day or feelings. Sure, it gets kind of annoying when you ask me what Im thinking 3 times in as many minutes. And I ask you how you feel pleanty of times, you say 'fine as always' and fudge it till i ask something else. I ask you what you're thinking and you say 'not much'.
Can you see my problem here?
As for the annoyed thing. Im pretty sure we established this a few months ago. Like maybe 5. I accept that you have worries and doubts and talk them through, mainly to yourself I admit, but they're still there same as they always were. But I've grown up, dont know about you, and now I deal with your worries in a grown up way (without whining and shouting and calling you emo - remember that?) Hence why Im writing this to you, publishing it publically so you can read it through. Instead of coming at you like a ton of bricks on facebook. See?No head biting is involved these days.
Besides. You cant half talk. I know when you're annoyed and I get nothing to work with. Its clam time. Was it me that annoyed him? Something I did or didnt do (and that aint half like my dad) and its kind of a sodden silence until you snap out of it on your own. Cos im buggared if ive ever beeb able to do it. Example - walking back from taekwondo at least twice.
Making the relationship work. Ive never really thought about this. I thought it worked itself?
Erm yeah. The diary thing. You say i store it up in diaries, and I guess I do store my feelings in there. At least they're always there, published in public ready for you to see and understand. Come back, read it again, comment if you like. Your one was on private, locked up tight. How am I supposed to know? Sorry about getting into your diary, its tresspassing. Theres just no other way you were going to let me know was there?
And the sam thing hmm! No need to be so serious about it. Trying to deal with this in a way that both cuts out any biting of heads or limbs, and is sensitive.
Ive got it!
Though its bad to talk about yourself all the time, there is a word for this . . .empathy?
If you saw a girl with I dunno, frilly hair or something, and it turned out to be really hot for you. I guess id be kind of shaken. Id be pretty darn sure ur not going to run away with her, and i might flip my hair about for lols. But its not the be-all and end-all.
Sorry if i ever have made you feel not worth it. (and this probably refers to the no-uni no-job thing) which we went over tonight. If not then I have no idea. Because the fact is I chose you, so no one else is worth it. You're the only one who is worthy of being with me, so start believing it. Someone has to have the privelege!
Erm, looking back to that entry, it sounded as if you'd been bottling those thoughts up for a damn long time. How long is long? Its not good mate. Seriously. If I'm going to drop out of uni and we're going to make a go of it, I need to know these things, right? Plus it cant be good for you to think about yourself being not worth it all the time with no one to talk to about it. I know all about that, and I got this special oil now to fade the scars it left me with. OK. Tell me stuff, please?
And as I said, Ive grown up quite a bit since the I-cant-tell-her-she'll-eat-me thing. And I wish you'd confide in me. You grumble that we always talk about me, when you refuse to tell me stuff about you. I cant pull it all together.
One last time sorry bout the break-in. You're probably going to hate me for a rather long time, and start up a whole new diary to write your private entries in. So then Ill never have any idea whats going on in that mind. Oh and for the record, I only ever looked at one tonight - no more than one.
Still love you |
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on that never has any private entrys.