finally online

09/20/2009

there was no internet connection back at my place, and i felt so completely isolated from the world. It was making me really depressed. Everyone else has free minutes this and a hundred texts that. I have about 5p credit and thats it. so ive snuck into the business building and am currently on a teachers computer cos its the only thing in this place that has internet. Hope nobody comes. I freak out whenever someone comes past the window. if i get discovered im in deep shit. but i couldnt take the loneliness any more
Ive been drinking probably too much, but its the only thing i know to turn to in situations like this. I feel cut off from everything ive ever known. i can take the whole distance thing, but even msn is blocked on our connection. thats when we get a a connection
they keep telling us shit like "were here 24 7 for support" but ive been round this place so much and theres not another living soul in any of the buuildings its like a ghost town.
where to start
no money, the loans people have fucked up royally and havent sent me any money though i managed to shop on about 7 quid and get pretty much everything. i dont know what my mum was always fussing about. that was with my new friend alice, she is GREAT i would be lying dead from alcohol poisoning now if it wasnt for her.
and speaking of, i pretty much had a breakdown today. considering thisng i thought i never would again. the posh bitch from next door came and put her head round the door, saw me all red-eyed and clutching a bottle of wkd. she said nothing. next thing i know theres the busy body from downstairs banging on my door, shes brought in the cavalry about to bust ih there. They think im like a major alcoholic by now. and who can really blame them.
that made me angry. very angry. who is she to think she can just barge in cos she thinks i need a hug. cunts
god theres so much to write about. i dont wanna get locked in here
Yesterday i pretty much had a breakdown all day long. the first thing i did was go down to tescos and stock up on beer. ive been writing in my real life diary a lot, but i felt so cut off from civilisation i had to get online. I went out "partying" last night, but about 400 freshers turned up to this fucking tiny hall, and by the time we got there they werent letting people in unless other people left. the gunts i was with wanted to wait so there we were for an hour and a half. they'd run out of coctail jugs wen we got in, so we had a couple of drinks then busted out. went round canterbury and found a nice pub or two
got back to my flat on my jub. was trying so hard not to focus on my heartbeat because i knew if i freaked out there was nowhere i could go. eventually fell asleep and had a constant string of nightmares until the morning.
i dreamt jimmy moved to antarctica and was laying on an iceberg in just his jeans and hoody. he was dipping his feet in the water, and i was like no dont do that you'll get frostbite. and i tried to rub warmth into his feet but his toes went black and fell off in my hands.
then i dreamt i got tricked by terrorists into delivering an anthrax letter straight to my dad, and watched while he died in front of me and no body did anything. i woke up with my fist in the wall.

and today i went shoppping with my last 7 quid. but i dont really feel like eating. im too stressed and angry. so much paperwork and shit to wade through. it gets worse every day. im always crying, people are going to think im a wierdo or something. not going partying tonight, am too poor and not in the mood. was sposed to have a cook up but i cant contact any of my new friends so its just little old me and a dvd. miserable.

i have a lecture tmoz so i cant even go to the sports event or anything. and i have to try and get a job here. im so scvared by everything. i just dont have the heart to try. it feels like the life's been squeezed out of me. it should be the opposite.

anyway i should really o before i get locked in or found out

and if im not back for a while its cos the only computer in the whole of canterbury has been locked inside this room and i cant get at it.