So im thinking seriously about leaving uni. Theres no one i can ask who doesnt have a bias opinion on it. Jimmy says I should come home, Ben and alice think i should stay.
I just want to have an interesting life, and if the airline company came up to me tommoro and offered me a job as an airhostess I would leave here in an instant.
Apparently you dont need a degree to become an airhostess, but i was trying to plan for the future. I like to have things planned out
But I dont think I like this uni life. The work is too complicated and deep, and life is just wasting away before my eyes. I havent learnt jack all since ive been here. And recently Ive been crying a lot because Im miserable inside. No one understands that either. They think theres something physically making me sad. I guess thats partly true, Im sad because Im fat, and tired all the time, and feel sick and ill a lot of the time, and dont have a lot of freinds, and im crap at everything i try and do. That makes me sad.
But sometimes when Im just sitting there drawing or typing or listening to a lecture I just get this wave of sadness and I need to take myself away and cry. It happened at taekwondo yesterday but i managed to block it away enough to carry on.
If I came home would it seriously be any better though? Id need to find a job, and the only people taking on jobs is mac donalds, and I allready left mac donalds there so they wont want to take me back. And id be back living with mum again so all the bitchy nastyness would still be there, plus the fact id be a massive stinking failure. Id never hear the last of that.
Truth is, I hate the work here, i dont feel I belong here. Every day I wake up and feel sad and lost. Most of the time in lectures im not really interested in what is going on. And every time somebody talks about the work we have to do I know in my gut that I really CANT do it. Im completely out of my depth and I know it.
But I need to stay because Ill never have an opportunity like this again, and seriously i have to do something with my life or ill be 'wasting' it. And whos going to employ me anyway?
I want to go home because, i want to have a normal life and earn money and move into a house with jimmy. I want to work and be independant not sit on my arse with my head in a dusty textbook while the world goes on without me. And im kinda bored here, not that the work isnt difficult, the work bores me and i want to live a normal life like my mum did at my age. But the society we live in these days dictates that anyone that has kids early and doesnt do higher education and gets a minimum wage job is some kind of degenerate who needs to be sneered at.
Also if i go home im delivering myself right back into the mess of mum hating me, joe bullying me, the tiptree chavs leering at me once again. And being back in shitty tiptree in my old life, feeling like a failure whos come home to lick her wounds and be mollycoddled.
I DONT WANT EITHER OF THESE THINGS.
I have dreams about it all the time. I dream Im back in thurstable, just 3 years too old and everyone looks down on me and treats me like some sort of spastic because Im still hanging around and havent moved on. Thats how I'll feel if i go back home. People will see me walking around and think 'wow she's still around, why hasnt she gone to uni then?'
And ill get a job in tesco or mac D or some other cop out solution, pay mum rent and be poor and exhausted. A year down the line me and jimmy will realize theres no way we can afford to get out, no airlines will be hiring, i mean seriously in this credit crunch nothing is happening. And ill end up working in tescos until all my dreams have faded and i can never get out.
(crying now)
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