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Damaged.
Last couple of day have just drained me. I'm completely and utterly broken, damaged, shattered, fragmented, disintegrated, malfunctioning.. and any other synonym that could mean any of those words. Life has become tough and I'm holding on as tight as I can, trying to keep myself grounded and sane and I'm right on the edge of insanity and of crossing that line where I know I won't be the same again. I'm taking that last part of the previous sentence as a bad thing because it seems and feels so dark crossing that line and I don't think I need to be any darker than I am, because I know I've turned dark enough unfortunately. Hmm..
I'm a sensitive person, sensitive to those around me, sensitive to myself and sensitive to the vibes that surround me.. Sensitive as in all the feelings around me I take in and... feel as well, which is the only way I can explain it right now. Basically I harbour the feelings around me therefore causing me an overload in emotions, that I then try to fix one at a time.
So please someone explain to me how a sensitive person can break someone's heart and live with it, without trying to fix it because I just can't be the solution this time. Its taken a toll on me and no one around me seems to understand how affected I am by it. How I have actually considered it time and time again and how hurt I feel and how my heart throbs for that person to be okay, especially since lately things haven't been so good with Sherif, they're a bit rocky and since that situation, everything in my life quivered for a second and all the lines blurred and everything seemed like it could be completely different.
What made it quiver for that slight second was the idea that someone would love me the way I'm in love with Sherif. That uncontrollable sense of feeling, the longing, the concept that you would move the world for them, if they just asked. For that slight second I wondered what it would be like to have someone love you that way and maybe to even feel the same way some day, but lets be realistic, I'm a big believer in love in all forms to be honest. I believe that arrange marriages can work, I believe that being with someone for years could work, I believe that beauty is really from the inside and that its actions that make you fall in love with someone. So I'm a big believer in love basically, but what I've realised recently is that first of all, no one gets everything in life, secondly, that in a relationship there has to be someone who loves the other more, who would carry every sorrow, worry and hardship off his/her partners shoulders just so that they're happy and the extra weight that you carry doesn't matter.
What I also found out about myself is that no matter how hard I would try or how hard I want to be in a relationship where someone loves the air I breathe, I wouldn't be able to do it, because I have already given my heart away completely, and I'm utterly head over heels in love with Sherif, unfortunately. Sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me, or that he just doesn't care much but I still unconditionally love him and I mean, he isn't like really mean or anything, I know he loves me but I just don't think as much as I do. C'est la vie.. I guess.
There was more I wanted to say, but I've lost it. Hmph.
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