Stuck Between Reality and What I Thought Was Real.

06/23/2009

Rough Ride..

I'm in a bit of a muddle, and I'm not sure what exactly to do and I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen... Which is even more of a muddle than before. Changing the ages and the way people think is almost impossible. That's why parents always have trouble with their children and children always have trouble with their parents. and each type of "trouble" or problem differs from culture to culture. Hmph.. never mind all that trouble stuff.. can't be bothered to get to the point.

I kinda just realised that I'm one of those people with a weak personality... I have all the symptoms and have finally agreed to admit it. I don't know whether its a bad thing or not actually.. Right now deep down inside me, its a bad thing because I'm so disappointed in myself. I always thought I was a strong person, but I guess I've been fooling myself since the day I was born. It really hurts. When I think back now, yep I was definitely a weakling, never stood up for what I wanted, never put myself first, always did whatever anyone else wanted, always hated getting told off. Never spoke, never stated my opinion, I always kept what I thought to myself.. too scared that I might hurt the people I love.. too scared that maybe someone would be disappointed or would get angry.

You know what else I just realised, I think i was born this way, I don't think my parents raised me this way, they definitely contributed to it, but I don't think its their fault. I've always been so silent, always the observer. Right now, I don't see myself in a very positive way... I feel like I've been used and can be easily used, I feel like people don't take me seriously because I'm never heard, I feel like people see me as spoiled, as emotionally wrecked, as childish, I just feel useless.

I'm on such a down right now.. that I feel sick.. I don't know how to deal with it.
How do I accept that I'm a weakling, when it feels so bad. I always hear people say that to overcome a obstacle you have to first accept that its there and then decide on the best solution. but How does anyone accept being weak? How do I overcome it when I can't even accept it.

I hope the sun shines brighter tomorrow..

end.