I wrote an entry last night...and a friend commented on it and it kind of spawned a train of thought, something i hadn't really considered before.
I have, until very recently had a bit of trouble connecting with my son, he's only 4, but i've always felt a kind of barrier, a wall between us.
and it was frustrating and tiresome, it was hard......and aside from the fact that he and i were so seemingly far apart. i blamed myself, i didn't know what was wrong with me. 'I'm a parent, i should just *get*' i thought, and my frustration with myself made it that mch harder to relate to him.
and it just spiraled from there, a vicious circle, and there came a point wheere i almost didn't want to 'bother' because iknew that it wouldn't work out........and around and around it went......
And i couldn't even tell anyone about it.....i felt like.....well less of a man to be honest.....and a shitty father.
but of late things have improved greatly, the wall that was there seems to have melted away, i feel real connection between little C and i, and it's awesome!
and i've also realized what i think the problem was.....
Some people, they get engines, without a day of schooling they can take apart and put back together an engine-block blindfolded, others have a head for numbers. Myself i'm great at figureing out systems, i'm able to understand the 'logic' behind systems that are set up, and able to map out in my brain how to get around and thorough them.
Wel all have our strenghths, and it seems that 'auto-connecting' to my kid isn't one of them, it sucks, but i've always been in place where i've always loved him and wanted to connect with him, even if i wasn't
I guess it turns out that there isnt' a switch that turns on in my brain that'll make me a good parent, when the kid is born...well such is the way of it.
This means i have to work a little harder, well, i can and i will.
This, I do boast.
Hail Odin, All-Father
Hail John
Hail Robert
Hail Camden |
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