It's time for me to have a moment... enjoy
Okay... I'm using this entry tonight to work through some things... so bare with me if things sound a bit crazy or make no sense.
I have some serious issues with males... pretty much every male in my life has done nothing but prove that they're all useless and pretty much fail at life. My "father" was a useless druggie and drunk, the man who fathered my younger sisters molested me when I was like... 2 or 3... my soon to be ex step father (the only real dad I've ever had) is a lying, cheating, hoebag who has pretty much disowned all of us, my ex is a complete bastard and fucked my world up hardcore... and... *shakes head* the list goes on. Okay... and now there's maybe this new guy... he doesn't live in the same area I do and I met him online via my best friend and her girlfriend. From how things sound, he's nuts about me and... I've found myself falling... now how deep, I can't tell... which worries me. *sigh* The only real problem is that he's apparently a chickenshit and intimidated by me and the fact that he likes me... and he's NEVER online. I understand that he's a busy man... he has a job and other things that keep him away from the computer... but hell... can he really not sign on and say "hi" ever so often? Or fuck... he was supposed to sign on one night because he "really wanted to talk to me a lot"... but according to his roomie (my best friend's girlfriend) he had a horrible migraine that night and had to take a shot and lay down. Okay... I can understand that... fine... but fuck... there have been several days (almost a week) since then... and still nothing.
Am I expecting too much of him because of my history with males? There's nothing official between us... we aren't a couple... but it just... seemed like he might have wanted us to be... and I'd like that too... but it's not going to happen if he's never around. I just... if something going to happen between the two of us I need him to be around a bit. Fuck... I'm not the clingy obsessive type... I don't want him "up my ass" all the time... I know that would drive me nuts. Seriously... if it's going to go somewhere... anywhere, I kinda need to be able to talk to him... and if it's not I kinda need to know that too. I'm not going to wait around forever... I can't. I don't have it in me to wait and hope... I just don't.
*drums fingers on keyboard and tries to decide if she has anything else to say on the subject*
My best friend thinks that there's something there... but she agrees that he needs to hurry the fuck up. I'm not trying to be all "oh, I needs him sooooo hard and he doesn't care." that's not what it is... it's more "I need to know if this is something or not so I can just... let go and look elsewhere if it isn't."... is that really too much to ask of someone? Maybe of someone who you've never talked to and who has never told you that they like you a lot and that they really care about you... but someone who has... no... I don't think it would be too much at all.
On another note... my best friend needs to know that things will work out with her and her girlfriend even though her girlfriend thinks like a guy and confuses the hell out of all of us... things will work out and be great. *nods*... and to my other bestie... girl... I LURVE AND MISS YOU!... Okay... I feel better about life now.
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