Really?

10/30/2009

I've recently come to realize that I in fact have REALLY grown up A LOT in the past month. This is the first time I think, that I'm finally coming to terms with all of this ridiculousness that's going on in my family. It all started with the murder of my uncle, who was an incredible man, everyone loved him, and he was one of the most hilarious people I've ever met in my entire life. He lit up a room whenever he walked in, and always knew what to say if you were having a bad day. We still have no answers, or any answers at all.
My grandpa was also just recently admitted to the hospital. He has lung cancer, and it's spread basically anywhere it can. We were told that with treatment, he would have at least 10 months.. a couple of days ago we were told 3 weeks. Tops. Most 19 year olds are off at college and university having the times of their lives, where I should be right now. Instead I'm here. Dealing with all of this the exact way my mom, and her siblings are. The way an adult would. The way that no kid in the world should have to. I know that there's nothing that we can do about it, and it's life, but I just wish that there was something, anything.
Anyway, Wednesday I found myself sitting at a perfectly good party (I know, weird for a wednesday, but it's reading week.) and what was I doing? Thinking about how I wish that could be me - the carefree college student with nothing more important to worry about than whose party I would be at the next night, or who I was bringing home that night, or how I was going to get my ridiculously drunk friends home. Well, somewhere during the night, I figured, I'm going to just put my feelings on hold, for one night at least. Which somehow eventually ended us up in a town 45 minutes away from home, not knowing where we were - even though I drove there - at a cottage, which was fully stocked, and gorgeous. As soon as I parked I knew I didn't want to be there, and neither did two of the other people. So we came up with ideas how to leave. After half an hour we were back on the road, going home. 4 in the morning is rolling around, and I finally make it home. And back to reality.
I'm not looking for sympathy, or anything of that sort. I really, really needed to get that out. As much as I can talk to my best friends in the entire world about this, and as much as they try to understand all of this, they can't. No one can. Only I truly know what I'm going through, and I know I can get counseling, someone professional to talk to, but I'm going to deal with this on my own. Eventually, I will be that carefree girl I used to be. It will take time, but it will happen.