i was just looking through all my entries and ive realized most of them are about guys.... i dont want anyone getting the wrong impression of me. i dont flip flop around with guys, they have all been a part of my life for like three years, i leave them because they're crazy, i meet someone new whos even crazier then run back to them...i dont know why i do it but i do. the only men that are really in my life are, tyler, harley, larry, and will. the funny thing is that tyler and harley are sooo much a like. larry and will are soo much alike and harley and will are so much alike but all in different ways. its so weird. im done playing around with all of them, i just want to be in a relationship again.. i real relationship. one thats going to last! hopefully ive picked the right guy...will. its funny because will has really only been in my life for a short period of time, i mean ive known of him but then again who doesnt know will mokus? hes a big shot where im from. him and this girl have been dating on and off for about two years. when i say on and off i mean like they break up everyday.. its ridiculous. since ive known him all i do is try to help him with her but shes a total bitch who just lies and lies...he trys so hard to be the best he can be, dont get me wrong here will is a bit crazy but most of the problems in their relationship is because of her and all the shit she puts him through. hes 19, shes 15, cops hate will so they do whatever they can to fuck with him...even trying to charge him with statutory rape, of course though the case was bullshit and he was never even charged. okay so back to what i was saying, will and her arent good for each other and he knows that. hes been trying to get away from her but every time hes close to moving on she pulls the im pregnant card...its just so annoying. every single time they break up im the one thats there for will, i try to comfort him and make him realize hes better without her, he knows he is but for some reason he just cant stay strong enough to keep away from her. over the past few months i developed feelings for him, feelings that i didnt want, so i kept them to myself...i didnt want them to come between our friendship. yeah we hooked up a couple times, we flirted, things like that but he never openly admitted to me that he had feelings for me and i didnt expect him to! saturday night he invited me and a couple of my friends over to drink or whatever, his mom and grandma had gone away to Florida for a week so we had to the house to our self's. he was telling me how depressed he was and how my ex, Harley, had saved his life the night before. he was telling me how he wanted to kill himself and how tonight would be the last night for him and all this other shit... so i told him that i wasn't leaving him, no matter what he said, he told me he wanted me to stay anyway. so when everyone left i stayed with him. he vented to me, which was usual, i told him my opinion on everything, again normal. then he started saying how no one could make him feel how she does and all this ...but then he corrected himself. he said there is only one other person that i could imagine myself being with, who actually understands me and cares about my well being. i could feel my heart in my throat, so i asked him who, he looked at me, smiled, and said you. i swear to god i almost died. it felt like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders. i couldn't speak, i had so much to say but nothing would come out! finally i got enough courage to say will Ive been waiting for you to say that for so long ..i wanna be with you so badly and i know you would be better with me. he agreed and told me hes always had feelings for me. that moment was just so amazing, it keeps replaying over and over in my head. after that the night felt so great. he grabbed my hand, lifted my chin and kissed me. my heart just melted. about 30 minutes later it was silent, he was sitting on the couch, i could tell he was in deep thought, then he looks at me and says, if we were to give this a chance, me and you i mean, would you be willing to put everything you have into it? to make it work? because i know i would. all i could say is of course will, i will always make you happy, i will always be there for you. it just felt like everything was falling into place, i had will all for myself! its almost as if i had a chance, a chance to finally be happy again. i stayed the night, we cuddled, watched movies, and yeah other things, just so you know it was great, so fucking great!!! okay so we woke up the next morning next to eachother, i felt so happy, he had work that day so i had a friend come pick me up. i texted him later in the day asking what we were? like what we were doing. he simply told me he just had to get yanet out of his mind before we can be together. that was fine with me, i understood. i told him ide be there for him no matter what he did, he thanked me and that was it. i later found out yanet and his friend jimmy were at the house, him and yanet got back together but he told her this was the last time, after this it was over for good. so im just waiting for him to be fed up with her bullshit and realize he should be with me. is it stupid of me waiting for him? i dont think so... i just dont want to get hurt. i wrote him this letter earlier today hoping that it would help him realize how happy we could be together, im honestly kind of scared to give it to him though... just because i dont want him to get annoyed. ya know? im just nervous, hes all i want. no one else matters to me. hes even helped me forget about Harley, which no one ever has. i mean yeah Larry came close but all he did was talk to other girls behind my back, i still dont believe he ever had true feelings for me but im over it. all i care about is will and him being happy. |
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