Hi,
I'm not exactly new to Bloop. I've been faithful to Bloop for years and years. However because I've always had the same account, some of my real life friends read it and there's some information in there that I don't want them to read. I also have some bloop friends that I don't know if I can trust with this information.
So why the new diary?
It's a place for me to vent about my innermost secrets without having to worry about people tracing it back to me.
So here goes...
Over the years, I've been struggling with my sexual orientation. There was a phase where I considered a sex-change. Yes, I was that confused.
After many years I've finally figured out what my orientation is...I think. I'm a bisexual. But I lean more towards girls than I do to guys. The thought of guys' "down there" kind of creeps me out, to be honest. I don't mean to be offensive but these things seem almost alien, like they have a brain of their own. It's just icky. But I have found myself to be attracted to guys-it's very rare. I've had only one boyfriend. We never kissed or did anything physical. However, we were emotionally attracted to each other. Years later, that ex-boyfriend admitted to me that it felt wrong for him to kiss me or do something-something told him that it wasn't right. He had many ex-girlfriends. He'd make out with them all and even have sex with some of them. Yet, he never tried to do anything with me. Wonder if he picked up some kind of vibe from me.
Now on to my sex change stage. I was labeled a "lesbian" by my friends. I had really short hair. One friend said I reminded her of Brandon Teena. So I had the nickname Brandon. At times I would go as "Brandon" and people who didn't know me thought I was a guy. I passed for a guy easily. Straight girls would hit on me, thinking that I was a guy. It made me feel good. So I considered a sex-change. I confused that with embarrassment. At that time, I was also embarrassed to be a lesbian. I had a lot of self-hatred and shame. I hated myself. I wanted to be normal but I knew that it was practically impossible. So instead of being normal, I wanted to LOOK normal. And to look normal, I would have to go as a guy. I wrapped my chest to make it flat. I felt awkward when I was out in public and my breasts were obvious so I decided to keep them wrapped whenever I went out in public. I wrapped them with an ace bandage then put a sports bra over it to keep the bandage from rolling down.
So how did I finally decide I was a bisexual? Well let me fix what I said... I know I said I was a bisexual but I'm not really 100% sure what I identify as. I love women. I can't help it but I love them. I'm so attracted to their bodies. Their curves. Their breasts. Maybe there's something wrong in my brain, some kind of gene mess-up or something, that is causing me to be attracted to the same sex. Maybe not. A few times, I would eye a guy and think he was VERY good-looking and I'd check him out. But I'm still not interested in the sex with a guy part. I'm not sure if that means I'm a full-on lesbian. I have some more exploring to do.
That's my introduction. I will only come to this diary when I have something to write about that I can't write in my diary, which is pretty often. |
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