Open Relationship

01/12/2009

I decided to tell my girlfriend about what happened at the party. I didn't feel guilty about what happened because my girlfriend is the one who wanted an open relationship. But I didn't know if she wanted to know about what I did or not. So I decided to text her. The whole conversation is below:

Me: I was wondering, about the open relationship thing.. If I do something with another girl, would you want me to tell you or would you prefer to not know?
Her: Are you thinking about it? I'd probably rather know.
Me: No. Not thinking about it. I don't want to date around. So if something did happen at a party, you'd want to know, right?
Her: Yeah..
Me: Okay. Uh.. Last night, I was with _______ (my roommate) and we were at a party at her friend's house. Small party, girls-only. I got drunk and fooled around with a girl.
Her: K
Me: (Her response freaked me out-I didn't know the rules or anything since this was my first time touching someone while in this relationship) I didn't have sex or anything. Just kissed that's all. If you don't want me to, I won't do it again.
Her: K
Me: (Freaking out even more because she sounds upset) Are you upset? I'm sorry if I made you upset.
Her: No I'm fine (I didn't believe her. When something's wrong, she doesn't use any periods in her sentences)
Me: Okay.. Alright.. Sorry.
Her: Why are you sorry?
Me: I feel like I did upset you to a degree. If not that, I caught you by surprise. I wasn't sure if I should have told you or not. I didn't think it was relevant because I felt nothing when I kissed her. She felt nothing too. We're just friends. But I also didn't want to seem like I was hiding from you.. So I don't know..
Her: You did catch me by surprise. I didn't think you were interested in anyone but it's cool. That's what an open relationship is I guess.
Me: I'm not interested in anyone. I was drunk. I wasn't thinking. If you don't like it, please tell me because then I will know what to not do in the future (the logical half of me would be able to stay in control even if drunk, if I knew my girlfriend would be upset with me if I kissed someone).
Her: It's truly up to you until and or if we decide to have a monogamous relationship.
Me: (Unsure what to say because she's the one who wanted an open relationship when I wanted to be monogamous. I keep waiting for her to decide if she wants a monogamous relationship.) I understand that. Uh.. Yeah.
Her: I can't get mad anyway. We haven't really had a relationship.. Sad to say..
Me: Yeah. I just don't want to make you unhappy.

Then she didn't respond for awhile. When she replied, it was a different subject.

My girlfriend's remark about "not really having a relationship" caught me by surprise. I know that we haven't had a normal relationship. I haven't seen her since September because she's been sick. She has a lot of health problems. (cancer, tonsillitis, so to speak. The medical system is really screwing her over) Then the last few times we made plans to see each other, something always came up. The first time, she had to rush to her sister's high school a few hours away because her sister had a female emergency. The second time, she was sick. The third time, she broke her hand and then overslept because she was in the ER all night. The fourth time, she was sick. Then the fifth time the weather was bad (snowing and icy-she's color blind so she can't see ice on the road when driving). After that I stopped trying because I was tired of being disappointed. I was always excited to see her then my hopes would get crushed. So I was protecting myself, afraid to get crushed again. So the sixth time, she made the plan to meet up. Then I never heard from her until later that day-she asked me if I had gotten any of her texts-apparently she texted me all day but her phone's been having problems so I didn't get any of it. I don't know. It just seemed like something would come up or happen if we made plans to see each other.

So I don't know if our relationship is going to last. I was hoping that it would develop into a monogamous relationship. Now I'm not sure if it will. My girlfriend is the same age as me and she's getting an artificial insemination. She wants to do it soon, while she can. She has ovarian cancer and a tumor in her uterus. I don't even know if it's possible for her to get pregnant at all because of the cancer. Yet she wants to try. She hasn't had her ovaries removed because she really wants to have a kid of her own. It really bugs me to no end. I'm so confused because she said to me last night, "I don't know if I should do this now. I do want to be married and settled first." Then why don't you try to find a monogamous relationship? That was my thought. The way I see things-you can't possibly expect to find a good relationship and build it into marriage if you want an open relationship. Not many people are willing to be in one. I wasn't at first but I figured it'd be better to have part of her than not at all. This is my first open relationship and my last one.

I'm really bothered by this. I don't know if she's seeing other girls. It was really awkward in September because she was seeing another girl, who by chance happened to go to the same school with me. We even had the same math class-thankfully, different teacher and different time. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it if she was in my math class-there would be a lot of emotions there.


I guess I'm a pretty messed up person.