Why me? Am I loosing my mind?

07/24/2010

My wife and I have been fighting more and more lately, last night we had a huge fight and she told me she hates me and means it. It hurt so bad I just felt sick to my stomach. The thing is I deserve it, I have
a emotional problem and sometimes I can't control what I say, and do and I've done some really stupid mean things that I wish had never happened.
I feel like I'm loosing touch with reality and the more I try to reach for it, the farther it seems to be from my reach. I love my wife more than anything in this life I have, and I know I'm going to loose her. The thing is I know I can't stop it because I think it's all ready too late to save our marriage.
I sound like such a sap and i probably am but I hate myself and I'm completely miserable within myself and by me being miserable I have destroyed my marriage. I want to save it but i don't know what else i can do. It's like I have this split personality. One side of me is caring and sweet and the other side is cruel and heartless.
I had a horrible childhood and this is probably the result of that neglect, and torture of my parents. I think my wife understands that but at the same time I don't think she has a clue how I feel everyday. I wish she could see life from my point of view and truly understand what it's like for one day to walk in my shoes. I guess I'm just loosing my mind, I love my wife so god damn much if she told to jump of a bridge to make her smile I would do it without hesitation that's how much in love I am with her.