A Little bit about me

This diary will be mainly about my weigh loss goal (because im so obsessed with it!) and a little bit of my personal life added.

I am currently in a long distance relationship. His name is Jamie and he lives a 4 hour drive from me. We started talking over the internet in 2005 lol. Actually what really happened was i used to speak to a girl from England called Louise, she was like my best online friend. I remember she told me she got back with her ex Jamie (she was also internet dating him) lol SO childish when i look back on all this.

She added me into a chatroom thingie with her and Jamie. He started private messaging me and we seemed to get along, he was funny, seemed like a bad boy lol. He asked me for my msn (after he asked Louise if it was ok) she seemed fine with it. From then on we started talking ALOT. He asked for my mobile number 1 night because he was going to a 50 cent concert and he wanted to phone me so i could hear 50 cent. He said this when Louise was present (in the chatroom). She seemed abit pissed off and i knew he was getting her back for her kissing her male friend..but i started to like him.

He would always phone and text me, sending me pictures (it was actualy his best friends pictures but i found that out a year later by mistake). I started looking forward to speaking to him but then id feel ashamed for falling for someone over the internet. One night he phoned me and asked me to ..ermm...do things to myself lol. He sounded like he was turned on but i could tell he was trying to be as quiet as possible...almost as if he were being cold towards me. The next day when i tried chatting to him he said "that cant ever happen again" and i felt SO stupid, i felt dirty and used, i felt like a freak lol.

He later broke up with Louise (probably 4 or 5 months later) and i broke up with my little internet boyfriend Kev haha. From then on we would talk about planning on meeting eachother but it seemed like it would never happen because i sent him fake pictures pretending to be the girl because i was insecure about my weight but at the time i didnt know he was doing the same thing lol. He would always make out like he was some hard man gangster, i loved that about him, i always seem to be attracted to bad boys i dont know why lol.

He had this best friend (who was a girl) and i was so jealous of her. They seemed to be stuck at eachothers hip, i felt helpless. He told me that they kissed a few years before we started talking - i think thats why i was so jealous...and scared. One night he phoned me from her house drunk at like 4am and i was working that day. I was half asleep and i heard him kiss her on the head and he said "love you babe" and she said it back. I was crying for days after that. I didnt understand myself most of the time. This guy had some kind of hold over me, i thought i loved him and hadnt met him yet. I forgave him when he apologized in the end, liked him too much.

One day he phoned me, he sounded different, like...more quiet or something. He told me that he ran up a bill on his brothers credit card & that he would flip if he found out. He then said that he was broke and needed money to pay it back. He asked me for money and i said yes...what a big mistake!

I sent him over £200 in cash in an envelope in the post. He said thanks but he didnt sound grateful, it annoyed me. I was always chatting to his mate Brad. He was telling me about their mate's birthday in town, Jamie had "loads of money" and he heard his mate say "i should get a Scottish bird haha" and he heard Jamie say "do you take Scottish notes lad?". Thats when Brad asked if i ever gave him money. I found out that the money was for himself - for a night out, not for his brothers credit card. I was devastated because i was a trainee at work and was only earning £75 per week trainee allowance and i saved money to send to him so he could blow it on coke and champagne. I still feel bitter about it. He denied it alot but then eventually admitted it. It was like he had no remorse, he was so cold hearted.

I then later found out that he used to ask all girls on his msn to get their tits out & shit. That hurt me alot too. I felt worthless & ugly. Ofcourse i forgave him AGAIN.

Things started moving forward for us when i found out that he was sending me pictures of his mate instead of himself. I was releived in a way because i had the chance to tell him that i done the same and we laughed about it. Thats when he wanted to meet me - for real. I think he was happy that i accepted him for who he really was. He drove up to Scotland with his family on 29th September 2006. We stayed in a hotel for the weekend. It was amazing and scary all at once. I was soooo self concious and shy at first i couldnt even look him in the eye. I didnt want him to look at me and if i did see him looking at me i felt so paranoid lol Weird!

We are still together now...3 years on, good times and bad times. We manage to see eachother for 1 week per month (if we're lucky, sometimes its 1 weekend per month).

I am planning on moving there at the end of this year. Im trying to save up at least £4000.00 to tide me over till i find a job there. I'll be moving into his mum & dads house. His dad is building a loft right now just for me & him. We'll have a little bathroom up there too. its gonna be hard work and i hope it all plans out but i dont know right now it just feels like it will never happen.

Moving away from that subject.. lol i have a best friend whos a boy. His name is Daniel and we've known eachother since we were 5. Last year i discovered that he is 'in love' with me. His cousin Leanne told me and i didnt beleive her & he said it was true. He said hes loved me since we were 13. Its so weird now. We used to hang out every day but now its usually only at weekends. We still text & phone eachother. He asks if ill ever be with him & i keep telling him that it wont ever happen (cos it WONT) but he just always seems to chance his luck. I just wish that he didnt love me! Then everything would be cool! I dont know....Jamie doesnt seem too bothered by it. At first he was but now he doesnt seem fussed. Does that mean that hes stopped caring? I still want him to care, not in a jealous way though.

Ahhh i'll write more in here tomorrow im getting lazy now lol