Has it seriously been almost 5 months?!normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
Good God.
I seriously thought I posted just a few weeks ago.
Well then I think I should just give a warning that this post is gonna be a long one...
I'll just kinda go through the various situations in my life to catch everyone up. Lol.
TTC:
Michael & I are no longer trying to conceive. We went through a really rough spot recently. To make a long story short, I found almost 500 texts from a 3 week period in his phone from his best friends wife. He was lying to me about when he was texting her, & how often. We're through it now, & everything is better. He talked to his best friend about it & apologized & everything. But I definitely haven't been speaking to the wife.
We had a good talk about how I've been feeling pretty pressured into having kids earlier than I wanted to because he's older than I am. & part of our deal when I married him earlier than I wanted to was that he would wait & be patient with me until I was ready to have kids. So when he started pushing for it, I gave in, but I don't feel like that's a good reason to bring children in the world. I want it to be a time when we really create a life out of love, not just because he couldn't be patient for good timing. I also got accepted to Ashford University to be in their distance (meaning I go to college online) B.A. program. I'm studying Health & Human Services. So I'd like to finish school before I do that.
Housing:
Nichole decided she doesn't want to leave where she's staying now to move in with us. So that put a few month break in us finding a new place. We moved out of Optimus Prime the beginning of August. & through August we lived with Michael's best friend & his wife (yes the same one from above), & from September through now we've been living with our pastor & his family. We found a little townhouse we're gonna be renting out with another couple, Nick & Kacey that are getting married in January.
Family:
- Well Brian & Emily's wedding date is rapidly approaching (November 6th) so we're all preparing for that.
- Nichole & Spencer got engaged. They're thinking of getting married in late July or early August of next year. Yahoo!
- Nichole & I went to Forks, Washington! Ha ha. We went the first week of August & it was absolutely splendid! We did a blog about our whole trip if you'd like to take a look:
http://diehlsinforks.blogspot.com/
- I'm getting along better with mother-in-law, but grandmother-in-law has recently started giving me some shit. Emily's bridal shower was a few weeks ago. Very fun & sweet up until the very end. Grandma has had the recent development of being rude & saying nasty things, & making unnecessarily harsh "jokes" to/about me at family events over the last year. She's made fun of amounts of food I've eaten, blah, blah, blah.
I of course, was anticipating some sort of crap from her at the shower. The first comment I was ready for. Because I knew something snide would come out of her mouth.
We were playing the game where you dress up someone on your team in toilet paper to make them look like a bride. I was on a team with grandma, an aunt, one of the bridesmaid's moms, and my mother-in-law, who was our bride. To make MOL's skirt of toilet paper, we were putting one end of a line of toilet paper in he pants, & her & I were making jokes back & forth about my hands being in her pants. My team was giggling about it & having a good ol' time, or so I thought. Grandma says, "Well if it's anyone Mandi, it'd be you."
I didn't really get offended, because I found the comment so out there & stupid. But it just made me think, "What the heck is she talking about?" Was there some sort of vote of which married-in family member would get their hands in MOL's pants first? Did I win the vote? Is there a prize? So I laughed at the utter ridiculousness of the attempt to make me angry, & moved on.
My team didn't win the toilet paper bride game. Bummer. Maybe if grandma wouldn't have distracted me by presenting me the award of "Most Likely to Get Her Hands in Her Mother-In-Laws Pants" we could've won.
We watched Emily open her presents, ooh-ed & ahh-ed at kitchenware & lingerie. Coffee & cookies were served. & everyone was just chatting casually. I got up to get another cup of coffee, & someone asked about the grandchildren Brian & Emily were going to have, & grandma said, "I have to rely on Brian & Emily because Mandi's useless." Then a scene out of a movie where the villain cheerleader walks into the cafeteria and makes fun of the nerd for the last time before she gets her butt kicked. My sister-in-law Nichole's eyes about popped out of her head, & my hero of a MOL rose to my defense & said, "Mandi wants to finish school before she has kids, which is exactly what I want for Emily." Thank you MOL. *Applauds*
That was just one of those just-kicked-in-the-gut awful comments. & my last & final straw. I wish I could say that I gave a moving speech about my life decisions & aspirations of finishing college & making a life & preparing a stable environment & home for my unborn spawn, but I didn't. At that moment the only thing going through my head was, "Get the hell out of here before you start crying." So I said my good-byes to the people who weren't currently bashing on my ability to procreate, & left.
I was tossing around the idea of sitting her down to talk about it, but then flash forward to last Sunday when we had a triple family birthday celebration for Spencer, Brian, & I (we're all related because we've all either married into the family [myself] or are soon to be married into the family [Spencer & Brian]). I know you're all at the edge of your seats waiting for me to put aside the reasons for the family gathering so you can find out what happened with grandma after the last time. I did my best to avoid her, & my mom came. So I think grandma was a lot more careful about the things she says. But a new development has... developed. Grandma being insane. & not in the "it's insane the way she can just say things without thinking" insane. Like, insane "please somebody get the padded cell & straight jacket insane". She brought a friend with her to dinner, not grandpa, no. A stuffed dog. Named Bob Barkless. She talked to him, pet him, kissed him, & even put him down for a nap while she ate. Now you might be thinking, "Awh... poor old lady..." But no no no. She's definitely not old enough to warrant that level of strange. It was... an interesting evening.
Needless to say, grandma's dubbing me as "useless" doesn't really affect me so much anymore. Considering she now harbors an emotional attachment to a stuffed animal.
- In other news, my father (who I, almost a year ago, asked to kindly butt the hell out of my life after he gave me the total of how much money I have cost him over the 22 years I've been in existence & then said I was a mistake he'd be "paying for the rest of his life.") had been trying to be a buddy to me again. Facebooking me, texting me, & a phone call a few weeks ago. He & my step-mother sent me a birthday card with money, which was very nice & I sent them a Thank-You note. He kept asking when I'm going to come up & visit & I had just not been responding because he knows the answer to that. I want him to get over his own parent issues so that I can get over mine. I want family counseling. My conditions for speaking & having a relationship are: we meet with a family counselor & talk this out, or we don't meet at all.
I know what you're all thinking, why do you need a counselor? Why don't you just call him & talk it out on the phone?
Answer: My father is a bully. He gets his way out of people by harassing and intimidating them. He comes off as a sweet, southern man, with a hardened exterior with a squishy-lovey center. When in reality, he is a southern man who lies to get his way & has tunnel vision which enables him to only see the things he wants instead of the bigger picture.
He wants: His "perfect" life back. Where his daughter comes home from college to their giant house in the suburbs, & his sons are the stars of every sports team imaginable, & there are no issues, just peace.
The bigger picture: Our family needs help & counseling. & if he would just agree to get himself some help, he would see that being real would give us all a REAL relationship. Not this phony life where his wife sees me as a bastard child from a previous marriage, & I am treated like a second class citizen in their home because my dad was treated like a second class citizen in his home.
The hard truth that I have swallowed & am moving on from is this: I had a counselor lined up to mediate the talk between my dad & I. My dad was on his way down from Oregon. & he REFUSED to see me with a counselor. So he turned around & went home.
My father would rather enjoy a phony life without me, then have a real relationship with me.
Well I tried to cater to the phony life.
I sent my dad & step-mother an e-mail to let them know about school, & to wish them luck on their grand opening of their new restaurant (Yes, you read that right. The same dad who "couldn't afford" $500 for a down payment on a car for me opened a fucking restaurant). That was over 2 weeks ago & I still haven't heard from my dad. I think I've finally accepted & decided to just let go.
See, I had this little thread of hope that I've been holding onto for dear life as I dangle 1,000 feet in the air off the face of a cliff. The thread containing the hope that maybe the last few months of no contact would make my dad realize his mistakes, he would make a change, apologize, and want me as a part of the life he's built. But my palms were starting to get excessively sweaty, & the thread was beginning to wear & to fray as I heard people say, "Mandi, people don't change. You're just gonna have to accept it." But I refused to believe that. This breaking thread still held my ever-shrinking hope that I was important enough to this earthly father for him to put aside his pride, admit he was wrong, so that we could move forward with our lives.
Well my thread snapped. I fell the 1,000 feet & hit the earth below me hard. I am bruised, broken, and bleeding in the dirt because I've finally accepted the facts:
- Instead of helping his child, my father invested hundreds of thousands of dollars opening a restaurant. Which at this point I'm sure has a blazing neon sign hanging above that door that says "I ignored my first born to create such a fine establishment."
- His pride means more to him than healing the relationship with his only daughter.
- My relationships with my stepmother, all her family, and my father has been a complete and utter sham.
- My stepmother does hate me every bit as much as I feared.
- I do not matter to that family even a little bit.
So what do I do now?
Who the hell even knows. I'll be fractured for awhile, but eventually the wounds will heal. I will be fused.
I need to run into the arms of my Heavenly Father.
Because I know that HE is proud of me.
I matter to him.
I am not a second class citizen in his house.
Does that make healing any easier? No.
Because I'm human.
Because as much shit as I'm getting handed from my Earthly father, he's my daddy. & being this hurt over somebody that important will take years to recover from. & as much as I want to drive the 6 hours to daddy's house, run to him & sob & beg for him to love me, & to want me around, he doesn't. & my crying & pleading won't do anything to solve that.
My father has made a new life for himself. He has his wife, his sons, his boats, cars, giant house, his new restaurant, & all his money.
& I am no longer a part of his equation.
His first family was a "mistake" & he's repaired it with a replacement.
Work:
I don't work at the veterinary hospital anymore.
My last day was September 5th. I didn't get fired or anything like that, I left on great terms with everyone.
I got offered 2 different nanny jobs that would help me finish school, since I can do homework & work at the same time. So that's been really good.
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That's all there is! My fingers are aching. Lol.
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