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Okay so here we go!
I always say that I'm going to post some massively huge update on my life, & then i get distracted & never do it. So we'll see where this ends up & how long it's going to be.
My life in the last few months has flipped upsidedown entirely.
As you can probably tell by the last few entries... I've had a few friendships change. I wish I could tell when/how/why. But I truthfully don't know. I have my theories, as I know they have theirs. It's not a bad thing though, honest & truthfully. As far as I see it, every person has a garden of people in their lives, & every once in awhile, God pulls the weeds out of your garden, so that your freesia's, daisies, & roses have room to expand, grow, & create the beautiful atmosphere they deserve to. That's about all I care to elaborate on the subject.
Michael & I moved out of our apartment & are living with my mom for hopefully not much longer.
We'll also hopefully be moving in with my sister-in-laws, Nichole & Emily, & our close friend's Felicia & Brian. We're waiting to hear about whether or not we got approved for one house... So we should know in the next few days. The planned move-out day would be July 13th.
Next on the list, like just about every other hormone-filled girl in the world. I've totally fallen in love with the Twilight series & Edward Cullen. Ha ha. It started because I'm an adult leader in the high school youth group at my church & all the girls are reading it & I thought "Oh why not, I'll read them & see what they're all about..." 4 books & 5 days later...
As weird as it may sound to anyone outside my brain, God gave me these books for a reason. Living with my mom these past few weeks have brought a lot of memories out into the inner-workings of my mind that I thought I had accurately & completely surpressed, never to be exposed again. But here are all my wounds from my childhood, high school, just everything, ripped open & bleeding for all around me to see. It turned out to be a good thing, the feeling of a true ache in my chest, realizing that my whole life, I had not took time to just sit & feel. Not saying it was a pleasant experience, considering I was singing at church in front of the congregation when the waves of agony hit me. & man was I pissed. The only thought was "God please, not here, not where everyone can see. Mom's in the back. I don't want her to see this." I didn't get to the last song in the worship set, I had to get down & hug someone. My best friend Rachael was in the front, & her eyes welled up when she looked at me. She just held me & I seriously sobbed.
God knew that I would be feeling this, & knew that I had a lot of issues to sort through. I'll be meeting with a women at my church who's been my mentor for forever, Brenda, once a week. & he knows that all my mother sees in me is weakness, so he gave me 4 books to escape into while I was at home, & Michael is working.
I'm relieved when I think I'll finally have someone to talk to about
- the eating disorders, anorexia & binging
- cutting
- purmiscuity
- me not being able to fully give in physically
just all of it.
Probably should've given you all the warning that you all were coming on this ride with me, & that you all would also be living my life with me. Sorry about that.
The only way for me to ever truly heal is get it into the open & come face to face with all my demons.
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