When all is said and done will we still feel pain inside?normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
So I made the mistake of looking for him (the guy who took advantage of me, let's call him Ari) on myspace today to see how I would feel. To see if any of the pain had subsided in the smallest way. & the answer is no. All the emotions that had scarred over the last 3 years are now freshly ripped open. *sigh*
Will the scars go away with night?
Now before anyone starts judging me with the "Oh but you're married, you should be over it!" comments, let me explain myself. First of all, Michael knows everything. Second, Ari was my best friend.
At the time, though Michael & I were dating, we were having a really hard time & our relationship was falling apart. We weren't speaking a lot & I didn't even know if we were going to stay together.
When I had re-kindled the friendship with Ari, it was completely & totally innocent. We hung out just like normal people do. Went to the movies, the mall, out to eat, etc. & with my relationship with Michael falling apart & my relationship with Ari getting stronger, I felt myself falling in love with him. & not in a friendship way. I don't know if you've ever been in love with two people at once, but it's horrific. It's the most tremendous amount of pain a person can be in. Ari was there for me, helping me through my problems with Michael. But as time wore on, it seemed like he couldn't ignore the feelings he was feeling either.
He started making passes at me. Telling me how beautiful he thought I was, how he couldn't live without me in his life. & Then started telling me he loved me. I couldn't deny what my heart was feeling, I loved him too. & when we both admitted it to each other, things got a lot worse. We started hanging out every night, & Michael & I drifted further & further apart.
Ari's passes became a daily thing, & I didn't resist them as much anymore. One night he kissed me, & I got just as involved with the kiss as he was. I couldn't suppress what I was feeling for him anymore & I decided that it was time to talk to Michael. I went home that night & didn't sleep a single wink. I spent all night & all day the next day absolutely sobbing. That night when Michael got off work, I started driving to his apartment to go talk to him. When I was a little over halfway there, Ari called me & told me he was having a really hard night & needed me. I called Michael & told him, & he was understanding. So I turned around & drove to Ari's.
You know in the movies, when one person is hurting & is vulnerable, & their love comes to their aid? & then they collide in a beautiful & tear-jerking evening of romance? That's how the night started. He greeted me at the door with tears in his eyes & hugged me. We went into his room & he never actually told me about what was going wrong. Just held me & kept kissing me. Of course that led to more, & unfortunately, after a point, I couldn't get him to stop. I just froze.
Try to smile for the morning light
I wrote a poem a few weeks ago about my feelings about this. It's called "Tiny Vessels" for the Death Cab For Cutie song & has a lyric from it at the bottom. I listened to that song a lot that summer...
Tiny Vessels
What kills me is that I still think about you
I think about you a lot
Really, not a day goes by where my mind does not drift where my blues meet your greens
Where I am there, again, in your arms
Listening to everything you spoke
Every word
Every lie that your tongue snaked into a sweet whisper
Every “I love you.”
What kills me is that I believed it
That I truly accepted whole heartedly that you were filling my void
I had a gaping hole in my chest that you filled with every touch
Every kiss
& every trace of your fingertips along my skin.
What kills me is that I was willing
I was all to open, vulnerable, there in the dark
My body & yours lit by a pale, blue light of a television set that neither one of us were paying attention to.
What kills me is that at first, I loved it
Every delicious kiss
Every feeling that my nerves were taking in under your strong hands
Every drop of ecstasy that rippled through my body
Every plunge that you took into me
All the while not realizing that with every sweet dive you took, pieces of my heart were being slaughtered
Broken
Torn.
What kills me is that you didn’t stop
When the tears pooled around the corner of my blues
When what was bring broken & torn was no longer just my heart, but my body
When the hands that were once tender with love & sentimentality turned sour with lust
The hands that I once trusted with every fiber of my being
The hands that had traveled the length of me with such care at one time
Now turned violent
Now left bruises
Scars.
What kills me is that you didn’t stop
When I begged
Pleaded
Cried
All but screamed that you were hurting me
That everything was too rough
Too hungry
Too much for me to handle anymore.
What kills me is that you just turned away
So you wouldn’t have to look at the terror I could feel radiating from my face
So you wouldn’t have to meet the gaze of the woman you were demoralizing
I can still feel the burn of your hands imprinted on my back
Digging into my shoulders
Because what were once sweet plunges turned into ravenous force.
What kills me is I could do nothing
I had thought through this situation about a hundred times in my existence
How I could resist
How I could fight
But what bound me there in that moment was too strong
I was tied there
Tied by the love I felt pounding in my chest that had now turned into the most confusing adoration I had ever felt
Tied by the force of the hands my body had once sweetly ached to feel, now tormenting my skin
Crushed by your body, that once held soft understanding & warmth
Understanding that now turned to hatred
Warmth that now turned into hard, cold rage
Crushed between you & a wall, both feeling oddly similar.
What kills me is that when you were through
You smiled
You laughed
You talked almost like you were boasting about what you had just done
What you had just turned me into
You said “I have never felt anything like you before”
As if it was something I wanted to hear
You kissed me again
As if it was something I wanted to feel
Your lips that once held passion, now held acid.
What kills me is that when I left
You said nothing
I dressed in silence
Feeling your greens staring me down
Wondering if you were examining the bruises which you knew I would lie for you about
Wondering if you knew that I would protect you still
Wondering if you knew that I was aching
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
My stomach twisting
I twisted the doorknob & walked away.
What kills me is that nobody knew
Your mother hugged me warmly good-bye
Kissed my cheek
Your sisters asked when I would come play again
& all I could do was swallow the hard lump that had formed in my throat
& say nothing.
What kills me is that drive home
Trying to maneuver Kirker Pass with waves of hysterics
Stinging, salty tears careening down my face
Screaming at the top of my lungs
Because my heart was broken
Because I had filled your void
& feeling that this was what I deserved for letting you fill mine.
What kills me is that I still think about you
Every single day
& every single day your memory gets harder to ignore
The hole in my chest tearing open every time I shut my blues because they again meet your greens
My heart still beats with confusion & agony
Part of me misses you with every single rhythm
Misses your laugh
Your smile
& the love we shared before you turned into a monster.
“I wanted to believe in all the words that you were speaking as we moved together in the dark.”
It's like the best dream to have
Where everything is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
& I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
& turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
& those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
& I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough.
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