.o25. Wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand. | 04/29/2010 |
 You feel like a candle in a hurricane. normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Well let's see... Yesterday was one of the hardest days I've had in a really, REALLY long time. I woke up yesterday morning to a text message from my dad saying "I'm coming down, clear your schedule." So I responded with "Alright, what time do you think you'll be here? I'd be happy to set up something with a counselor so we can talk." & he said, "I'm driving there to see you & you alone & I have very limited patience in this." & I responded with, "That's my condition. We either meet with a 3rd party, or we don't meet at all." & I didn't hear anything back from him. So a few minutes later, my stepmom calls & starts yelling at me, saying that I'm tearing our family apart, & that they didn't know what I was turning into, that I was entitled to meeting with a counselor because my "problems" had nothing to do with my dad & that if there was something wrong with me that that's something I need to deal with on my own & that my dad isn't really involved, & that she didn't know what it was like coming from a divorced family because her mom & dad stayed together & that's the kind of home she wants for her boys.
Alone & helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright
I said that that was my problem, that I wasn't included in that. & I told her everything that my dad & said up to this point about me being a mistake, & him giving me a total of how much i've cost over my life, & when I was done, she didn't even budge, didn't even flinch. She didn't believe me.
Cause when push comes to shove
You find what you're made of
So for a few hours, waiting on pins & needles to here ANYTHING from my dad, Michael & I talked to one of our pastors at church & 2 good friends (one of which was going to act as the 3rd party for the conversation with my dad), & halfway through our conversation I had a bit of a panic attack, I broke down sobbing & told them how scared I was & how I felt I was being bullied into this meeting & that I wasn't ready for this, & they made me realize that I didn't have to...
You might bend til you break
Cause it's all you can take
That's when I came to the realization that, my whole life, my father has had this control over me that I didn't even know existed. He's always bullied me into things. He uses intimidation to get what he wants out of me & out of everyone around him. I know now that I'm the only one who has control over what I do & I want to handle things.
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
Michael & my mom both interceded on my behalf. Michael sent my dad a text message (so my dad couldn't yell or interrupt) saying that I wasn't going to be around so driving down would be a waste of time. That he wasn't respecting my boundaries when I said that when we were ready to talk, I would tell him. So my dad flipped his lid, called my mom & had a screaming match with her & told her "tell your daughter that if she wants to see me she can meet me at McCovey's in Walnut Creek" & my mom told him not to waste his time driving because I wouldn't show up. He sent Michael another message saying that if I wanted to work it out that it was "now or never." & Michael said he was sorry but that we just weren't ready to talk. & eventually my dad turned around & drove home.
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand
I feel so... free.
This hurts, a lot, obviously.
I gave up 21 years of having a father,
18 years of having a stepmom,
& 16 years of having the joy of little brothers.
I gave up memories, & love, & my family.
But with all the good things I gave up, I gave up a lot of bad.
I gave up a group of people who base their lives on the stuff that the have & the new cars, & gadgets, & money.
I gave up feeling bullied & intimidated by my father.
I gave up being emotionally, mentally, & verbally abused.
I know that God has his hand in this, & that while it's hurting now, good is already coming out of this.
Life's like a novel with the edge ripped out
The edge of a canyon, with only one way down
- this layout was made by simple layouts.
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