A chaotic mind
My mind is always twisting and turning full of thoughts. Its like a whirlpool of thoughts, and I have to grab one quick before i lose it. So many thoughts all at once....it's so chaotic. Silence is chaos to me. I hate to be in a room where no one is talking. I hate to be alone. It's so frustrating to not be able to think clearly. It makes me so indecisive and unpredictable. I live in my own personal hell. The only thoughts that are continuous are the ones I dwell on. The one thought that stays with me night and day 24/7 is my eating. I struggle with this eating disorder that I can't seem to really get ahold of. It consumes me. This one thought triggers a million other thoughts therefore I feel as if my mind is a madhouse. On the outside most people would view me as calm and collective. However, those who know me know that im an irratic mess. I have panic attacks because I get so overwhelmed in my head. My mind constantly shouting 10,000 thoughts at me all at once. I just want to scream "STOP" to the top of my lungs, but I know it wouldn't help. I'm not crazy this I know. I can function fairly normally in life. I just don't speak of what goes on within my mind. People who know me know that I have trouble staying focused on one subject for very long. They know I can hardly ever finish something I start. I go through states of extreme high and lows emotionally. This is all because of my mind. Dealing with all this chaos leads to many mistakes in my life. I've messed up so many times with my life, my marriage, my friends, everything. I dropped out of college, I've had many marrital issues, I've lost more friends than I care to count, and my family considers me a disappointment. I don't know how to fix things. It's like the harder I try the more I screw up.
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