Children and Life | 11/24/2009 |
 | Children and Life
♥
Children are God's miracles. Sometimes I think what it would have been like to have had a kid. I was pregnant back in 2007 after trying for over a year and a half. One day I found out I was pregnant and then the very next day I miscarried. My world came shattering down on top of me. I felt like a piece of me died with my child. I may have only been two to four weeks pregnant, but I had tried for a long time to get pregnant....only to have it taken away no sooner than it came. I laid in bed and cried for about two weeks. My world as I knew had ended. One day my husband and I went to the mall, and for some odd reason we chose to walk into the bible book store. Neither one of us go to church or live the christian way, but we do believe in Heaven and Hell. We came across this picture of Jesus at the gate on one knee opening his arms for this child who was running towards him. I started crying, but this time it was peaceful tears not sad tears. This was God's way of easing my pain, or at least that's what I believe. It was comforting to me. However, this would not be the end of my heart feeling tortured and shattered. The picture helped for awhile, but I also felt as if something in me broke after my miscarriage. Suddenly, I didn't care about anything or anyone but myself. I became horribly selfish. I started crash dieting and binging/purging until I let myself get down to 82 lbs. I got on drugs to numb my pain. I stayed in a rage always wanting to scream and/or hit something. I was miserable. I was depressed. I was utterly lonely. I didn't know what to do because I just couldn't get past losing my baby....my flesh and blood....m son or daughter. How do you move on? My husband and I split, and I was on the verge of a divorce. My world literally came crashing down spiraling out of control. Once the miscarriage, everything after that was one thing after another ...contiuously. So while my husband and I were apart, after a few months I woke up one morning and realized what I had really become. I was hurting so bad on the inside that I totally missed that I was becoming my mother. Instantly, I knew something had to change. First, the drugs had to go. My mother chose drugs over her kids, and I was not about to let drugs come first in my life. Then, I worked on my eating. Crashing and binging/purging were the only ways I had known how to deal with my emotions. So once I got my eating pretty much under control and brought my weight to 110, I knew what was next. I was actually going to have to sit down and deal with my thoughts and all the emotions that came with it. At first, it was incredibly challenging. I was trying to deal with the pain and rejection of my mother along with other painful childhood memories. Then, my miscarriage. This took months of constant work. I cried, I screamed, I got mad, but ultimately I moved on. After letting everything out I was able to move on, and try to rebuild everything I had destroyed because of my pain and nothing more than my own selfishness. I got back with my husband, and we worked through all of our issues. Now we are better and stronger than ever. I no longer do pills, but I do occassionally smoke pot and drink. I no longer hold my emotions in. No more sugar coating, no more not saying what's on my mind and how I feel. Some view this as being a "bitch", but I view this as simply being me. Now, Jason and I have been having the "trying again" talk. I'm terrified. What if I go through everyday wondering is this gonna be the day I lose this baby to? I can't possibly take losing another. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I know I'd make a good mom. One day we will try again, but for now the both of us are still to afraid to try.
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