im a good girl really. i believe in following whats put in your heart. or what you feel there. regardless. i believe in the golden rule, i dont like hurting people for the main part. im sometimes a violent person but i think its because i black out and dont really realize.. either way... yeah, ive got my faults. just like everyone else. but my heart is where it should be and i am not as impulsive and stupid as i once was. ive learned alot and sometimes it takes a while.. to learn these lessons, but i have.. and to break it down, im being accused of cheating.. which i dont do. i have in the past been with someone else during a break up that lasted for a while then we got back together. but.. that wasnt recent, or anything HE needs to worry about. he thinks i am cheating or have.. and i think thats made him cheat on me. cuz i know he has. and the fucker had the audacity, last night to say if i cheated on him "there would be hell to pay". yeah? like what? ass. [and you can take that word however you want it]
but... im not the one whos fucking around. he is. and he can tell his fucking friends that i get nervous or shaky or swallow or something when like a.. lets see.. a preview for a movie about cheating comes on. or my cell phone rings/beeps and he automatically jumps "whos that?". and he says when he asks me i answer to fast. lol. well yeah, because if you knew me at all you'd know what an insult that is and that i wouldnt do that. but you dont know me and the real me cant even show up around you cuz this relationship is FUCKED. but ya know, im the dumbass who stays in it. another fault. i love him to death. =[
and the nervous swallow, the shaking, the wierdness of all sorts has been caused by YOU. and my head gets fucked up and i stress cuz i think your sitting over there.. [beside me on the couch] with those wheels just turning going "shes cheated on me, i know she has" and whatever else. and you know, if you abuse someone they will have a reaction to that abuse. but im not getting into that right now, hell no. anyway, fuck it... its life. its my fucked up life. ^_^
p.s. if your wondering about the name of this entry... my boyfriend i call a rattlesnake. its there. in him. with him. he is my rattlesnake =]
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