Beautiful Nightmare

09/28/2009

My Goals

30 by Thanksgiving=200 lbs
20 by Christmas= 180
10 By the time school's back in session= 170
35 By the end of the school year or spring break= 135

Stats

Weight: I have no clue. i didn't weigh today
Exercise: none
Food:
Breakfast- Salad with chicken and bean stuff
Lunch- bean dip and chips. Some heath bar mix with grahm crackers
Dinner- some kind of sandwich. Pastrami maybe?

Week Three is Looking Dandy

I can not weigh myself because Aunt Flow has come to visit. Those of you who dont know what or... who *wink* that is must not have a vag, and I won't go into detail. I HATE when I have my period because I swear to god I want to eat everything south of the mason dixon line. My stomach hurts a bit and is angry with me because i ate too much. I probably gained about six pounds back because of all the cheating I did this weekend. (Which, it probably hasnt been that much, its just that I'm probably over-reacting.) I havent had a cookie in probably 3 weeks now, so its been okay.

Uuurrrg. Go away stomach rumblies.

I hate not knowing what's going to happen in the future. I've spent a lifetime comfortable in the thought that I've had control over my life, that I was in control. I was not in control at all. Now that Im gaining control, I'm freaked out because I dont know what's going to happen. (Ironic, huh.) What's going to happen in the future? What if im busting my ass all this time for nothing? What if I'm always going to be this way? God its just so fucking frustrating. You see something and you reach out for it with all of your might. You reach out with both hands, yearning and yelling at the top of your lungs for it, but it seems like every time you get close enough to touch, a big glass window gets in the way.

I've never made it three weeks on a diet. Ever. So I'm freaking out inside. Freaking. The. Fuck. Out. I want to succeed. I want to so badly. But I also know my track record. I know I'm human. I know I will fall sometimes, but I can't. I've been on diets on and off since I was in the sixth grade. The sixth grade. Jesus. That can't be healthy.

Of course all this could be the period talking. I've almost cried/gouged someones eyes out with a spoon about six times today. haha. Oh yeah. The mood swings are pretty bad.