It's been a really long time.
The last time I was on here was February 10, 2011 and in that time, I have gained almost 20 pounds. 20 pounds. 20. Pounds. I keep mulling it over and over in my brain. I just keep saying to myself "this isn't real. This isn't my life. This is not what I want for myself." I know that some of it might have to do with the DEPO shot that I have received, and I gained most of the weight in the three months that I've been on it but still, I didn't expect to gain 15 pounds and I certainly didn't expect that a year and a half from when the last entry was posted, I'd still be the way that I am.
I'm 25 years old, and I'm addicted to food.
By this point, the phrase seems so insincere, so fake. That's how my feelings on my weight and weight loss is in general. It's like, I'll get to a point where I feel disgusted and I'll just go "I'm so done! I'm so over this!" and then within a few weeks or even a couple of months, I'll get comfortable with myself again, or lose faith in myself and think: "what is the point?" and just quit. I want to be an inspiration to myself. I want to be an inspiration to my friends. I'm so fucking SICK of being the "fat friend" in the group. All of my friends look gorgeous, all of them are healthy and none of them are over 200 pounds. (Well maybe a couple, but they aren't as heavy as me.) I feel so alone and so isolated from them all because none of them truly understand what it's like to be stuck in this body. Nobody understands what it's like to crave food so intensely that it's all you can think about.
I hate going clothes shopping alone. I LOATH going clothes shopping with friends. I'll actually make friends try stuff on that I think is cute just so I can live vicariously through them. I never try on anything and if I do try on stuff, I'm absolutely sure it will fit me (even though 7 out of 10 times, I'm woefully wrong.) I never display outfits. I reached a new all time low this summer when swim wear was a disaster. None of them fit the way that I needed them to.
I miss doing things. I miss swimming in the summer. I miss going into stores and being able to try on whatever I want. I miss being able to paint my own toe nails without getting winded. I miss having energy and not being too tired to do anything. I want to not be so embarrassed when my boyfriend wants to try new sex positions and not wonder how is my body going to look. I want to be able to get in and out of my desk at school without worrying if I'm going to bring the desk with me.
It seems that everything is changing around me in my life and I'm, physically, just staying put. Since my last entry, I'm a senior in college, I have a boyfriend who I am so in love with, I'm not a virgin anymore, I'm an atheist, I'm getting more confident in who I am as a person in my mind and heart. I just wish that who I was inside reflected who I am on the outside.
I'm doing something about it today. I'm going to be in an OA online meeting in a bit, just to check it out. From what I've heard, it's kind of religious, if it's anything like it's sister organizations AA and NA. But that's okay. I seriously think talking about why I've gotten myself this way is going to be part of the battle. I'm finished making excuses and I'm done feeling sorry for myself, even though those phrases seem so asinine at this point. I'm going to try to make myself believe it anyway. I have to at least try. I have to believe that I'm worth taking care of myself, that I want this more than anything because I do and I am.
Goals:
I want to lose weight to feel better physically.
I want to lose weight to feel more comfortable having sex.
I want to lose weight so that I can wear whatever I want.
I want to lose weight to gain confidence.
I want to lose weight so I can WEAR A FUCKING BIKINI OKAY
I want to lose weight so that I match my inside mind version of how I'm supposed to look.
I did this (and didn't finish it) about a year or two ago, but I'm going to do the 30 day letter challenge. Every day, I'm going to write a "letter" to the people listed below. This should be really awesome, or really bad. We'll see how it works out.
•Day 1 — Your Best Friend
•Day 2 — Your Crush
•Day 3 — Your parents
•Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
•Day 5 — Your dreams
•Day 6 — A stranger
•Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
•Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
•Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
•Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
•Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
•Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
•Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
•Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
•Day 15 — The person you miss the most
•Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
•Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
•Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
•Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
•Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
•Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
•Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
•Day 23 — The last person you kissed
•Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
•Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
•Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
•Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
•Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
•Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
•Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
And maybe I'll do this one I found on tumblr just for the fuck of it:
and this one:
Two Month Weight Loss Challenge
Two Month Weight Loss Challenge
Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.
Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?
Week four!
Weekly challenge: Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one vegetable you’ve never tried before, and learn how to cook a new healthy meal.
Day twenty-two: Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?
Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Day twenty-four: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Day twenty-five: Do you ever eat fast food?
Day twenty-six: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?
Day twenty-seven: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Day twenty-eight: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
WE’RE HALF WAY THERE! How are you guys going? Don’t worry if you’ve messed up a few times, it happens to the best of us. The important thing is that you’ve made it this far and you’re still going. I’m proud of you J be proud of yourself!
Week 5!
Weekly challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit it!
Day twenty-nine: What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?
Day thirty: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
Day thirty-one: What are your favourite healthy snacks?
Day thirty-two: What is your weakness/one food you just can’t say no to?
Day thirty-three: Will you continue to count calories once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-four: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-five: Do you mainly do cardio, strength training, or both?
Week 6!
Weekly challenge: Focus on one area of your body (eg. Arms/abs) and work hard on it every day of the week, I bet you’ll see a difference after 7 days!
Day thirty-six: What’s one item of clothing you’d like to wear after losing weight?
Day thirty-seven: What do you wear when you go swimming/to the beach?
Day thirty-eight: What do you generally order if you have to eat out at a restaurant?
Day thirty-nine: What has been the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?
Day forty: Have you gained weight at any point of your journey? How did this effect you?
Day forty-one: Do you drink tea or coffee?
Day forty-two: What is the meaning of life? Just kidding. If you feel happy with the way your body looks before you reach your ultimate goal weight, will you continue to try and lose weight, or will you aim to maintain?
Week 7!
Weekly challenge: Aim to have a completely “clean food” week, avoid all processed food!
Day forty-three: Apart from weight loss, have you noticed any other benefits from your healthy diet?
Day forty-four: Do you drink green tea? (If you don’t you should. Seriously.)
Day forty-five: Who is your main inspiration to lose weight? Not a celebrity, someone from real life.
Day forty-six: Do you have a favourite motivational quote?
Day forty-seven: Have you ever come close to giving up? What made you change your mind?
Day forty-eight: Did you start losing weight before making your blog?
Day forty-nine: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done in an attempt to lose weight?
Week 8!
Weekly challenge: Treat yourself. You’ve come so far already! Even if you haven’t lost any weight, you deserve to treat yourself for not giving up. Paint your nails, go shopping, go to a movie, get your hair done, anything that makes you feel good about yourself!
Day fifty: What’s the most calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-one: What’s the least calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-three: What’s something you’ve done to make yourself proud?
Day fifty-four: Can you see any noticeable changes in your body?
Day fifty-five: Do you believe this is a lifestyle change, and you will be able to continue with a healthy, active lifestyle for the rest of your life?
Day fifty-six: What have you enjoyed most about your weight loss journey?
Day fifty-seven: What is your current weight? Have you lost any weight since day one?
-fin.
Loading...