12-21-2010
Yay for Thursday! because it's my only day off. I usually go to my water aerobics class tonight at 6 but I'm not sure I'm feeling up to it today. I'm tired from having to get up to pee 4 or 5 times last night and I'm not sure why or even if it's normal but when I put my hand where Peanut is, it's tender. I'm pretty sure it's just my body stretching and accommodating but I'm a little nervous about it too. I think I'll just watch Kevin play v-ball tonight. I'm not much in a mood to swim. We're getting pizza before we head to the Y. YAY! I've been craving pizza.
We went out and got the part we needed to fix the a/c and his dad tried to fix it last night. We don't have a/c yet. It must be a guy thing to try and fix things in the dark because I wouldn't have bet my life on fixing it unless I could see what i was taking out and where all the wires were coming from and all that jazz. Kevin told me later something about a fireball and the lights going out...I wasn't really concerned. I was too busy crying in the bathroom because Kevin had asked me why I was walking so slow from the car to the front door -- well my tailbone hurts so it hurts to walk. Taking my time helps ME! And then he got an attitude about it. I was like whatever. I already had a major headache. I just wanted to be in a dark space with silence. So I went to the room which apparently wasn't a good idea since Kevin came in and flipped the light on. So I put a pillow over my head. Then he got mad because I said I wasn't hungry. Well no duh! I'd eaten 2 sandwiches and God only knows how many handfuls of honey nut cheerios only an hour before he got home and said he was making cheeseburgers with chili -- which even now is making my stomach churn just thinking about it. So he got mad about that and said that I was hurting his baby by not eating...I almost got up and yelled when did you ask me if I had already eaten? Because I have! But I didn't. I just laid there with a pillow over my head letting my tears start to fall and try not to heave and let my body shake so he wouldn't know I was crying. He finally left and I shut the light off for a few minutes before I grabbed a towel and went into the bathroom and locked both doors and just cried my eyes out. It felt great! Just being alone and crying. Something I haven't been able to do in ages.
Well Kevin broke into the bathroom and like a guy asked what did I do? Tears are streaming down my face and all you care about is what you did?! Not once did he touch me or hold me or even offer to. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl and we know, but my first reaction to someone crying is a hug. So I just told him and he said sorry and asked if I wanted something to eat and then walked out. My dog was more sensitive! At least he looked at me and sat by my leg. So I just finished up whatever tears I had left and went to bed.
I was thinking that I'm glad this doesn't happen in public because if it did and he reacted that way, after all the talking up i do about him to my family and friends, I would be ashamed to call him my husband. He knows me better than anyone and he doesn't even have the capacity to hold me when I cry! even my mom held me when I cried over a fight that she and I had.
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