We began session and processed what is working and not. You indicated that "nothing" is working currently because you have not been working on it. You indicated your need to on a daily basis get to the why the addiction is there. We talked a bit about addiction in general and I mentioned the addiction equation and how it becomes a vicious cycle.
PAIN + ANY OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR (ie: food) = IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION + FUTURE PAIN
The pain is the underlying stuff that fuels the addiction and we talked about kind of a parallel healing process. One behavioral addressing the addictive behaviors in the moment as they present day to day and at the same time looking and working on healing the underneath part. And looking at what you are feeling as eating is numbing and escape and in that addictive process keeps you out of your body. You mentioned that in the past journaling has been very helpful for you and have not journaled in a bit. you asked if I would give you prompts or ask questions that you can then journal about (I have something at the end I'd like you to journal about that has come up since we talked). we talked about some of your goals wanting to lose 40 pounds and what some of your reasons behind working on this issue now, you have a young son (19 mo old) and are looking to adopt another child, and you want to be there for you kids, and health is a factor with diabetes. You want to take a self defense class and be more active in general but currently are not very physically active. You have the desire to do more with photography, taking classes, and getting out and practicing more to hone your skills. you shared what you eating habits look like now and you eat throughout the day "grazing" due to after the weight loss surgery not being about to eat large quantities at one time, but eat them throughout the course of a day. You shared about you experience in OEA and the militant sect HOW (which I had not heard of). We talked about how this therapy process can work and what would be most beneficial to you. You shared that you liked doing the texting daily and with added live chats here and there as we go along. We talked about the extra cost as well as the frequency I will respond to posts. (Please let me know if I left something out)
Oh I did leave something out and this I think is very important...you want to be challenged on your beliefs and thinking processes and how your intellect gets in your way of really getting into recovery. This is something that I will do as I see it being direct and pointing out somethings that I see. We also talked briefly about some controlling language and how what our brains do with it. so paying attention to thoughts is very important at least becoming more aware and the working to shift the thoughts to healthier thoughts that will increase your chances of getting to your goals.
So now for the journaling prompt I have for you if you so choose to take it.
First I would like for you to get out your journal and pen and be ready to go...then I want you to take a deep breath first letting all of the air out of your lungs and diaphragm, then taking a deep breath through your nose and then out through your mouth..continue breathing this way for a bit....then I want you to bring yourself to mind the you of today...see what you look like in your current state really visualizing it...then I want you to imagine off in the distance your future self, the you that you want to be...the 40 pound self-defense, photography hobbyist...you can see him, future you and you want to get to him so you slowly begin to walk......
now the writing prompt.
"Slowly I walk toward myself.....why do I stumble?"
I was on vacation last week. It ended up being quite stressful and I have been going through a depression. I am trying to meet a deadline at work for a project I am responsible for and it has not gone very smoothly. During my vacation I was on my laptop and cell phone working each day trying to get the approvals I need. I still do not have all the approvals I need to move forward and that is causing me a lot of stress as the deadline approaches. This did not help my mood any.
Also, my wife and I had a few fights. Some were because of my working while on vacation; some were because I was stressed and taking my anger out on her; and one was because I was up late on a sex cam site.
I agree with you about the vicious cycle of the addiction equation. I did not think I had any pain left in me and believed that I had worked through all my pain but upon reflection, clearly I must be harboring some pain. Someone once told me that depression was anger turned inward and that made a lot of sense.
I am looking forward to the parallel healing process but particularly interested in looking at the emotions and feelings that are causing the addiction and pain. I think your assessment of our last session was accurate.
The Me of today is a different person than I was just three years ago. I used to weigh 325 lbs and did not care much about myself or my health. I had a negative self-image and self-esteem issues. After having had weight loss surgery and adopting a baby, I know I am not the same person, but I feel like I am slowly sliding back into the shell that trapped me for most of my life. Today I am mentally and physically healthier but I feel like it is only incremental and could change at any moment. In my current state, I am a man on a fence struggling to not fall onto the wrong side. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I continually sabotage my progress. This is a part of me that has not changed since even before surgery. The reason I got weight loss surgery was because I was unable to lose weight by myself. I was continually doing things to undermine myself. I tried hypnosis, behavior modification, Weight Watchers, personal trainers, diet programs, and nutritionists.
I have panic attacks on a daily basis. They are often in the evenings and can be triggered by something quite benign.
The Me of tomorrow is a self-assured individual who is able to deal with life without panic attacks. He is a man who weighs no more than 200 lbs and works on himself by exercising, practicing yoga, studying a martial art and enjoying photography. Being active with my family and going on hikes, canoeing, skiing etc is also very important. The future Me lives an active lifestyle and has his sleep apnea and diabetes under control. I’d like to go on vacations where I am active and not where I just sit on the beach all day.
"Slowly I walk toward myself.....why do I stumble?" – I have no idea why I stumble, but that is what I aim to find out.
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