Blog request the sixth

A few facts first. My parents will be married 30 years on September 13. John's parents will be married I believe it's 32 years in October or November. Both our parents met when our mothers were in their early teens (my mom was 14 and John's mom was 15) and our fathers in their late teens (my dad was 17 and his dad I believe was 18). They were both long distance relationships (admittedly though Melita and Pierson are a hell of a lot closer than Winnipeg and Edmonton.) Our parents also played the same song at their wedding "There is Love" by Peter, Paul, and Mary. Furthermore, our parents had similar colour schemes at their wedding AND our parents had a creepily identical picture taken at their wedding of the happy couple in the back of the getaway car (my moms parents have a similar picture as well.) *cue twillight zone music*

One of the major things we touched on in our pre-marriage sessions with our pastor was how our families can affect out marriage. Now our pastor was a HUGE believer in you marry the person and not their family however he also believed you had to consider the family background into the equation that is your marriage. I am the way I am because of my family and the same goes for John. Not a week goes by where my mom exclaims "Stop acting like your father!" (she did it this week when I started nattering about Inkheart the book and the movie and how it's a piece of really good young adult german lit.) Also not a week goes by where I don't sarcastically say to John, "Okay Jack!" (Jack being his dad.) I recently cleaned part of my sink with a toothbrush. John laughed and called me Sylvia (my mom). John is also really anal about dishes and he says he gets that from his mother. We can't help but act like the people that raised us.

As for the effect of our parents marriages on our marriages. Sometimes it's subtle other times not so subtle. Here are a few examples,

- You know that whole idea we have about maintaining our individuality in our marriage? Yeah we totally got that from our parents. I'll never forget my mom telling me that if she spent as much time with my dad as someone we know spends with her boyfriend she might kill my father. She just can't imagine not having a life outside her marriage. My dad is the same way. As are John's mom and dad. My mom and dad and John's mom and dad are incredible examples of being a united front in a marriage. But they are also incredible examples of having a life outside their partners. My mother-in-law recently went to Alaska with a group of girlfriends. My mom belongs to a bunch of different organizations (or what my daddy and I fondly refer to as "group" doesn't matter which one we're talking about they're all "group" example, "Is mom home?" "Nope she's at group"). My dad does some really awesome carpentry. It's something is recently gotten really into. He has a ball creating in his workshop. Often the family reaps the benefits but it's something he enjoys doing on his own.

- Eating together. No matter what is going on in our lives we have to eat dinner together. Both our families did this. If it means me going to John's office or him coming to mine or meeting somewhere in the middle so be it. But we have to have dinner together. Sometimes it's at the table, sometimes it's infront of the TV. But no matter what we have to eat together. Even now that my parents don't have any kids at home they still eat together.

- Our communication styles. I sometimes have a tendency to assume John knows what I'm thinking or meaning when I'm explaining something. I know that my mom does this to my dad as well. Also I have a tendency to sometimes explain something with a lot of random describing words and hand gestures. My mom also does this to my dad. My mom and I totally know what each other is saying when we talking to each other this way. My dad and John on the other hand just kind of look at us bewildered. John on the other hand is very direct with me much like how his dad and my dad for that matter. Nothing is a gray area for him. He's always to the point and logical.

- Our expectations of each other. We both saw how our parents fulfilled their particular roles in their marriage which was transfered to us. Now they didn't really match at first and that took a lot of discussing and trial and error on our parents. Every marriage is different. Just because it worked for our parents marriages doesn't mean it will work for ours.

- Our fighting styles.I don't mind yelling. It's the German in me. I grew up with two German parents. We're really good at expressing emotions that involve yelling. Now the fact that I don't mind yelling doesn't make it right. However I do remember when I did see my parents fight (people say never to fight in front of your kids...you know what it's inevitable) I do remember raised voices. It didn't happen often by any stretch of the imagination but I can say with some certainty I most likely got that from my parents. John is really good at the silent treatment. Like stupidly good. Like if giving the silent treatment was an olympic sport he would be declared super president of the world in giving the silent treatment. He's convinced he got it from his parents. So yeah we have 1 yeller and 1 silent treatment giver...you can imagine what things can be like with we argue.

- Not being afraid to stand up to each other and hold our ground. To us the shows an incredible amount of respect for your partner.

As much as we are influenced by the marriages we grew up around we are still very much trying to figure our own out. After almost 3 years we still have no idea what the hell we're doing half the time and we're still learning. Our parents are still learning in their marriages as well. You never stop learning in marriage it seems and I'm okay with that.

I'm also okay with how much the marriages of our parents has played a role in how we deal with marriage. Our parents have really put their vows to the test and are amazing examples of marriages working. With the divorce rate what it has been and is it's nice to have two examples of people making marriage work.