I remember
I remember the first time I was raped I was twelve years old.
I remember that it was Februrary, and that it lasted exactly one hour twenty-eight minutes.
I remember him asking if it hurt.
I remember saying yes, and him not stopping.
I remember his hands were so strong they cut the circulation from my wrists.
I remember how he simply just put his clothes back on, said not to tell anyone, then left.
I remember climbing into the shower, crying, cursing.
I remember cleaning my body till it was red and raw.
I remember returning to school.
I remember not wanting to talk to anyone.
I remember not wanting to do homework, or house chores.
I remember not wanting to talk to anyone about anything.
I remember wanting to sleep forever.
Ten, twelve, fourteen hours a day.
I remember the first time I cut myself.
I remember watching the blood pool in the deepest cut.
I remember the burning sensation.
The uneven blade, and how it reminded me of a saw.
I remember cutting and ODing in the bathtub.
I remember passing out and waking to tainted red water.
I remember feeling relief.
Like all my frustration and anger and sadness was released .
Like I was safe for another day.
I remember the second time I was raped.
I remember that I was at my aunts.
That I was in her basement.
My own turf.
I remember how he beat and bit me.
I remember how he told me to do things.
I was thirteen.
I remember two weeks of rape and violence.
I remember wearing long sleeves that summer.
I remember the day I tried to commit suicide.
I was at my aunts.
I had found her gun.
I put the gun to my head after staring at it for a half hour.
I pulled the trigger.
I remember the wrenching sound as it faulted.
I remember crying.
I remember I watched sunset everyday.
I remember filling an entire notebook of everything in my head.
I remember compulsively listening to Incubus's "Morning View" album
I remember my attempt to pull my life together.
I remember freshmen year.
I remember hating the people in my life.
I remember my dad high and drunk on christmas vacation.
I remember him choking me over wanting to use the phone.
I remember leaving, wearing everything I owned.
I remember hiding in snowbanks and crying.
I remember him finding me on the road in the park.
I remember him yelling at me.
I remember me yelling at him.
I remember calling my mother,
her telling me to deal with it, he's my father
I remember her hanging up on me.
I remember sleeping in the bathroom because it had locks on the doors.
I remember meeting Frankie at the Halloween dance.
I remember how he fell down the stairs that led to the school cafeteria.
I remember that he landed on me and introduced himself.
I remember spilling my emotional guts to him.
I remember falling asleep on the school hall monitor desk laying against him.
I remember him getting kicked out of diversity club for falling asleep
using my leg as a pillow.
I remember the first time I smoked pot.
I remember it was with him in a friend's basement.
I remember us talking about relationships.
I remember his wrestling team asking us if we were dating.
I remember him grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.
telling me that life will get better, that I needed to have faith.
I remember telling him I loved him.
I remember him telling me he did too, but just as a friend.
I remember shattering the school's backdoor by the caf.
all we did was throw a snowball at it.
I remember when his belt broke and he mooned all of Maple Street.
I remember him telling me his family was moving to North Carolina
I remember crying.
I remember him telling me after he moved that he did love me.
That he wished he had had the guts to do something about it.
That we lost our chance .
I remember meeting Brian in Civics.
I remember he was charming and smart.
I remember he had a brainiac sense of humor.
I remember his round glasses and cheeks.
I remember how immediately we started dating.
I remember him coming over to my house.
I remember my mum leaving to run errands.
I remember him kissing me, my neck, my shoulder.
I remember him pushing himself against me.
I remember telling him to stop.
I remember crying.
I remember my mother coming home.
I remember how quickly he stopped.
Pretending nothing had happend.
I remember the first time I overdosed on medication.
It was Sophomore year.
I was on ibu 800 mg's
I remember taking them before I left for school.
So that by first period I would pass out or puke.
I remember practically crawling down to baking class.
I remember the time the smell of cookie dough made me vomit.
I remember taking flexeril.
Vicodin.
Percoset.
I remember I took it to just stop my brain from overloading.
To just stop.
To stop the shit in my head.
To stop the future from occuring.
To freeze every minute.
To end the pain.
To forget the past.
I remember barely remembering classes.
Moderating between acute awareness and blackouts.
I remember Ricky telling me I was doing too much
too fast and that I was wayyyy out in left field somewhere.
I remember my mother finding out that I was cutting.
I remember her pulling me from school.
I remember her screaming at me.
Angry, pissed off, that she had never noticed.
I remember being happy to sleep for hours.
I remember being thrown into seeing a psychologist for therapy sessions.
I remember being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.
I remember hiding that I'd been raped.
I remember telling my mother that I didn't know why I cut.
I remember hiding that I loved to OD
I remember hiding that I loved to get high.
How I loved to kiss my girlfriends drunk lips.
How sane I felt to be in her arms after smoking pot and making love.
How I loved her for not being a man.
I loved feeling her against me.
I loved what I loved, but I never loved her.
I remember meeting Sara.
I remember that it felt good to have "girl" time.
I remember our sleep overs.
I remember meeting fat Matt and Tim.
I remember meeting Keith.
I remember nights drinking with them by the river.
I remember nights drinking with them at Livingston in the woods.
I remember smoking pot with them.
I remember falling asleep on Matt's porch.
I remember watching movies on the projector in the basement.
I remember late night calls from the boys.
Saying they went pool hopping or were sitting ontop of Brooks pharmacy.
I remember singing Flogging Molly .
and smoking like chimneys.
I remember how it all turned inward.
I remember the bullshit.
The fights.
The sex.
The back stabbing.
I remember we desperately wanted it to keep hold.
I remember it failed regaurdless, in the end.
I remember my family running out of money.
I remember abruptly stopping therapy.
I remember when I stopped taking my bi-polar medication.
I remember feeling like I was a cheerleader on caffine pills.
I remember deciding that I'd rather be crazy than not feel a thing.
I remember being placed in a S.A.P. class once a week.
I remember never being able to talk about what really mattered.
I remember my mum trying to hide that I was "sick" to her family.
They still don't know,
I remember Rob telling everyone that I fucked him.
I remember him telling everyone he fucked Cara.
I remember his slight wobble when he walked.
I remember punching him.
I remember him kicking my knee.
I remember a crack.
I remember going to the nurses office and demanding to go to a doctors.
I remember the day I was misdiagnosed.
I remember skipping school to get drunk and play hacky sack.
We'd smoke cigarettes down by the river and be outrageous.
We'd have bonfires at the river and in the woods.
I remember the first day I met Jeremy.
I remember we were shy.
I remember how quickly we formed a bond.
It was at Chris's house and we were on the porch.
Everyone was fucking, and Jeremy's girlfriend was pissed off and left.
I remember watching the sunset.
I remember talking to him about religion, war, hope, addiction, drinking.
I remember talking about our past, our present and what we wanted out of the future.
I remember the outrageous days we'd spend together at the park.
I remember the party he threw when Brian showed up
I was escorted home in a panic attack.
Jeremy wouldn't stop saying he was sorry.
I remember giving him a new pair of shoes in the middle of winter.
He was homeless and his Converse were barely attached to itself.
I remember him teaching me to play the songs he wrote on guitar.
He forgot them too easily.
I remember when he got kicked out of the house that spring/summer.
I remember we walked to our old party spot in the woods.
How he laughed when I slipped my foot into the stream
How I laughed when he did it too, only moments after.
I remember how we walked to the river.
Watched sunset by the traintracks.
I remember playing nintendo that night.
And how the news had some guy running around naked on Weare's beach.
I remember him kissing me.
I remember wanting him to kiss me.
I remember wanting more but not knowing how to get there.
I remember being shy.
I remember his hand moved.
I remember my panic attack.
I remember him asking if it was because of my past.
I remember him cursing under his breath.
I remember waking up the next morning.
I remember drinking coffee on the roof outside my bedroom.
I remember him faceplanting himself on the way back in.
I remember us not talking about that night for over a year.
I remember him appologizing for it.
I remember telling him I wasn't sorry,
I remember when our friendship died.
I'm still not over it.
I remember St. Patty's Day
I remember The Apartment.
I remember everyone drunk or stonned.
I remember wanting to fuck Jeremy's girlfriend.
I remember I didn't.
I remember "Kevin."
I remember standing on the back porch smoking cigarettes
I remember drinking MD 20/20 grape.
I remember his sweet words.
His smooth actions.
I remember being so drunk I didn't care.
I remember fucking him in the livingroom.
I remember screaming at everyone to fuck off and not to watch.
I remember my eyeliner smearing
and my hair looking horrendous the next morning.
I remember him walking to my house.
I remember him fucking me again.
I remember I didn't want to.
I remember I screamed at him.
I remember he became an asshole.
I remember I kicked him out.
I remember he was arrested for something non-related.
I remember thinking all I was worth was one night stands.
I remember thinking all I was good for was dead end relationships.
I remember thinking it's all because I'm fucked up.
Because I've experienced too much, too young.
Because I have anxiety and PTSD.
Because I'm an unmedicated Bi-Polar psycho.
Because I can't handle real relationships with the people I love.
I remember thinking I was a whore.
I remember that I didn't want to be one.
I remember I was unable to express my feelings.
I affiliated love with abstaining.
I yearned too hard.
I gave myself out too easily for the sake of feeling close.
I remember the summer after Junior year.
I remember meeting Brad.
I remember my first words to him ever, were "Fuck Off."
I remember how we were dating three days later.
I remember his daughter Gabbie.
I remember his crazy ex girlfriend.
I remember his addiction to coke.
I remember his daughter passing away.
I remember when he was afraid he'd never have kids again.
I remember when he was diagnosed with cancer.
How he was told he wouldn't see Christmas.
I remember he was afraid to tell me.
Afraid that I would leave.
I remember telling him he was crazy if he thought I would leave him.
I remember how he wanted to save the world from itself.
I remember how crushed he was when he couldn't.
I remember when he cried over his coffee mug.
It broke in the dishwasher.
I remember us painting.
I remember our photography.
I remember our poems to each other.
I remember teasing him for eating Taco Bell.
I remember finally feeling sane.
I remember thinking "This is It."
I remember our nicknames, Cup Lover and Nag.
I remember feeling my life was complete.
I remember feeling a wreck at the thought of losing him.
I remember the seizures and hallucinations.
I remember when Jon tried to come onto me in the darkroom at school.
I remember kneeing him in the balls and skipping the rest of the school day.
I remember thinking the violence was over.
I remember thinking that I couldn't believe it happened again.
I remember asking when it would all just stop.
I remember wanting to quit photography.
I remember Brad telling me not to be stupid.
I remember his brother Abe, making fun of us.
I remember feeling calm.
I remember running out of the right words to say.
How he'd send me songs instead.
I remember crying the first time I listened to "The Tide" by The Spill Canvas.
I remember crying even harder to "Fever Dream" by Iron and Wine.
I remember crying to "What If You" by Joshua Radin
and "Ride" by Cary Brothers.
I remember fighting with Abe about telling Brad when he was hallucinating.
I remember waking up one morning.
I put on Brad's favorite Iron and Wine cd.
I remember painting abstractly, like him.
I remember crying while doing it.
I remember Abe telling me Brad passed.
I remember Brad wrote me the morning he passed.
I still have the letter.
It was around the same time I had been painting.
I remember my job interview.
I remember how sore and red and baggy my eyes were.
I remember being suprised that I wasn't drug tested.
I remember feeling like I was on drugs.
I remember how I'd break down crying listening to "Passing Afternoon",
or "Weary Memory" by Iron and Wine.
I remember wanting him back.
I remember I was single over a year.
I remember smoking pot in Sara's car.
I remember we were with Jeremy and Aaron.
I remember I had OD'd on caffine pills.
I remember I kept involuntarily punching Aaron.
I remember barely remembering.
I remember staring at the ceiling.
I remember I was in and out of consciousness.
I remember the sun was setting.
We had been driving for hours.
I remember listening to Poison the Well.
I remember how the music penetrated my core.
How I felt it in the very depths of my being.
How I will always be fighting for that high again.
I remember meeting Matt.
I remember how cool I thought he was.
How much I laughed for the first time in what seemed like forever.
I remember we started dating though no one asked the other out.
I remember him choking me.
I remember us crying as we appologized.
I remember him grabbing my hair or my arm.
I remember being bruised.
I remember him punching and denting the wall.
I remember breaking up and getting back together with him
I remember Bobby and Josh's going away party.
Coworkers and friends and family-like friends were there.
I remember being drunk.
I remember matt hitting me.
I remember passing out on the porch covered in puke.
I remember passing out in Josh's basement bedroom wearing him and his boyfriend's clothes.
I remember breaking up with Matt for the final time a week later.
I remember begging Brad to help me.
I would write him letters, crying, asking for guidence.
I would listen to his favorite music over and over again.
I would just cry, cry, cry, and write to him.
Write to a dead person.
A dead person I still loved.
I still do.
I asked for him to send me a sign.
Something to point the right direction.
I would have night terrors
I would have dreams with him in it.
Unbleached hair and always staring at me.
I remember being afraid to say anything.
I remember he would just watch me.
At a party, somewhere.
Just watch.
I would always wake up crying.
It still haunts me.
crayon box
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