Actually I'm not even entirely sure he hasn't already pushed me off the edge... I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown today... I keep bursting into tears, I can't cheer up, and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until my life is fixed.
Someone I've known for quite awhile told me the other day that they like me... I had to give my usual answer, that I am not ready to be involved with someone right now... but he is SUCH a sweetheart... and I kinda let my guard down a little.
But I told him SLOWLY... we had to take time to get to know each other better, because that was the only way I could handle things right now... and I thought things were going good... and slowly... then last night we somehow get on the subject
of sex... and he tells me he's only had sex 3 times in his entire life, so he pretty much still feels like a virgin, or at least a rookie... and he told me that most women can't deal with that, they want a man who already knows what he's doing in bed...
I reassured him I was fine with it... but then the conversation just kept staying focused on sex, which was NOT where I wanted the focus of our conversation to be... and eventually, because you can only tempt me for so long before i give in,
I just kinda gave into the sex talk... and I feel like I crossed a line that made it impossible to go back to where we were and where we were heading before we started talking last night. And then, realizing that not only did he like me, but I was really
starting to like him back... just sent me into a mini meltdown. I don't want to like anyone but Brandon, and every time I think I might start to like someone, I panic and bolt... Because no matter what I said in the last entry, I'm not ready to walk away yet.
I wish I could... I wish I could either just walk away and be fine, or make him love me the I love him... but anyway... I deleted and blocked the new guy, without even explaining why... and I feel like the biggest bitch on earth right now, and I'm just sad.
And Brandon asked me what was wrong, and I tried to explain it to him, and he just did not get it at all. he'll never understand.
It took me a couple days but I realized what it was... even though we're technically not "together" I still felt like I was somehow cheating on him... which is so ridiculous... but I really almost had a panic attack.
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