Reality Check

09/07/2011

I don't even know where to start... I feel like I've spent an entire week crying.
(In reality, I probably have now that I think about it.)
Even my mother, who is usually the most unemotional and unobservant person on earth
when it comes to me, my feelings, and what's going on with me keeps asking me if I'm ok
because she can tell that I'm depressed. But I can't explain this situation to her, she doesn't
get it. I'm not even sure I get it half of the time. I walk around in a state of total confusion now.
I feel like I have absolutely no control over my own life or feelings. I feel like everything he says
and does is pushing me to the point where I'm going to just be completely broken, permanently.
Today it's been a year since I met him. An entire year of my life, wasted with nothing to show for it.
A YEAR, and I'm no closer to being with him now than I was when I met him.

Ok in the middle of typing this one of my friends cheered me up, so I might appear a little
less moody while I type the rest of it... lol

The week of crying started, I think because I was feeling really guilty about the way things ended
with Michael. I know it never would have ended up working out between us anyway, but he
really didn't deserve to get his heart ripped out like he did, and really I just sat back and watched
it happen, and even participated a little, just to amuse Brandon. That's how absolutely ridiculous
it is, I let him shatter the heart of someone who actually really truly loved me, and then even
joined in and helped shatter it, just to impress him. Just to hang on to him. Just to show him
he will always be more important to me. So anyway, in a moment of weakness I sent Michael
a message apologizing to him for things happening the way they did, and he didn't even
acknowledge my apology. He hates me now, and I just have to live with that being on my
conscience, because it's no one's fault but my own. I was with him because I couldn't be with
Brandon. I figured if I couldn't be with the person I love, at least I could be with someone who
really loved me. Then Brandon came back into the picture... he didn't like that I was with Michael,
so I let him end it for me, in a pretty mean and cruel way. I sacrificed Michael's feelings for my own,
which makes me a pretty terrible person I think, but I love Brandon so much, I would do whatever
it takes to make him happy. *sigh* So the guilt started out my crying. Brandon just added onto it.

Somewhere during the last few days it became pretty clear to me that Brandon and one of my BEST
friends were talking behind my back. A little at first, then getting to the point where basically the
two of them would completelly ignore me to talk to each other, privately, where I couldn't see what
they were saying. I was preparing for the worst. I was preparing to lose them both, and I knew
how bad it was going to sting. The breaking point was when I was talking to the two of them, and
she told me she was tired and was going to bed, then 2 minutes later he said he was tired and going
to bed. Then I could tell that they were both still online, but not where anyone else could join in
the conversation. I kinda lost it. I was talking to one of my other best friends on the phone and I
just started crying and told him that as soon as I calmed down for a second (irish temper) I was
sending Brandon a message, and him and I would probably be fighting after that. Then I changed
my status to say "I'm not that stupid." Well before I could send Brandon that message he sent me
one asking me what my status meant, and who had called me stupid? I blew it off with a dumb
answer because I was still trying to think of what I was going to say to him. Before I ever figured
out what I was going to say, he invited me into a text chat with him and Rachel. They said they
needed to talk to me, so I braced myself for the "we like each other, sorry" speech... and that is
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not what happened!!!!

The night before we had all been joking around about sharing Brandon, and all 3 of us should move
in together, and blah blah blah... I THOUGHT we were just playing around being funny. So, they
hit me with the fact that they think that all 3 of us should share, each other... Oh, side note, Rachel
and I are both bi, you probably need that info for this story to make sense... lol And that is what
they've been talking about behind my back. I just sat there and didn't say anything because my
brain was just doing tailspins at this point... that is NOT what I was preparing for so I had no idea
what to say... so they both start apologizing that they just made me mad... and I said NO, I actually just
STOPPED being mad... me being MAD was when you guys have been talking behind my back
and forcing me to jump to conclusions about what's going on... if I had been included in this
conversation from the beginning, especially since I'm a part of it, I wouldn't have been mad at all!
And Rachel asks me if I really never realized that she likes me... and I was like... um... NO, honestly
I had absolutely NO clue. So blah blah blah, the conversation goes on and on, and they ask me
if I could handle the idea... the 3 of us moving in together, all sharing, everything that comes with
that.... and I just sat there stunned. I told them they had to give me a minute to think, because
all of this was way more than my brain could handle processing and I just needed a minute to
clear my head and think about things. Well Rachel thought I was mad at her, so she logged off.
Brandon asked me to text her. I said I would in just a minute but there was something I really had
to say to him first. I told him that under any other circumstances this whole situation would bother
me a LOT less, but what complicated it was the fact that I am completely in love with him. I told him
that even if he never feels the same way about me, he needed to know how much I love him.
He said wow, he had no idea. And I said that's because I never wanted to TELL you, because I
never wanted things to be awkward between us, I never wanted to risk losing his friendship,
I love being around him and talking to him, and I never wanted to risk changing that or losing him.
He told me the same thing he told me a long time ago, He LOVES me, but he can't say "in love" yet
because we are 900 miles apart and haven't gotten to be around each other in person yet. I told
him I completely respect that answer. I texted Rachel and reassured her that I was not mad at her,
but she didn't come back to talk to us because by this point it was like 5 a.m. and she needed sleep.
So him and I sat and talked for quite awhile still and I really ended up feeling better about the whole
situation, I felt like maybe I could actually handle it...

The next day I was in the shower, and I just burst into tears, and I realized there was no way. I love
him too much to sit by and share him with someone else. I would have done it, to make him happy,
but I would have never been happy with the situation. But, to make him happy I wasn't going to say
anything, I was pretty much just going to sit back and let it happen, and just deal with it. Rachel and
I spent pretty much the entire day texting back and forth, which was cool because we actually got to
know a lot more about each other... I figured if we were going to do this, it was pretty imporant we
all get to know each other a LOT better first.... so her and I ended our conversation on a pretty
good note, and when I logged onto PSN (where we all talk and hang out in the virtual world on
playstation home), I noticed that him and her were both on, so they had probably been talking,
which was fine... so Brandon came and was playing a bowling game with me... and Rachel sent me
a message and asked me if Brandon and I were in a committed relationship if I would really want
to share him? I gave one of my skating around the question answers and told her that I would do
whatever it took to make him happy, so if that's what it took, then yes... she knows me too well,
she called me on and said yes, but would I WANT to? I told her honestly, no, I knew it would bother
me but I was willing to do it anyway, because I am that much in love with him. She wrote back and
said that she was backing off. She wasn't interested in him in any sort of sexual way, she had
really only liked the idea because that way she could be with me, and around me. She said he's
a great guy and she likes talking to him, but she's not attracted to him at all, and she would tell him.
Then Brandon tells me "Rachel is backing out" and I said yes, I know, I'm talking to her too... so he
tells me this sucks and he feels dumb now, because he has developed a crush on her. REALLY???
You're serioslyl going to to hit me with that the night after I pour my heart out to you about how
in love with you i am??? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR I told him I was sorry if anything I said had made
her change her mind, and that I really had no idea how to put into words how I was feeling, to
explain it to him. He asked if i felt like I had let him down, and I said yes, that's part of it. He said
there was really no need at all for me to feel that way. Such a weird situation though.... I am
completely and totally in love with him, he likes her, and she likes me... wtf? lol She even told me
she would still go through with all 3 of us living together if I wanted her to, but she wouldn't be
comfortable with it. I told her no, I would have never been comfortable with it either.

And now I don't know what to do... it's painfully obvious he hasn't given up on trying to change her
mind. She kinda ratted him out to me last nite. He had sent me a message saying he wasn't going
to be home last nite and he would talk to me tomorrow... well when I was talking to her she
asked me if I was going to get on messenger? and I said no, why would i do that? She said Brandon
had sent her a message telling her he wouldn't be home but he'd like to still talk on messenger...
SHE assumed he meant all 3 of us... obviously he did not, because he never said a word about it
to me, so obviously he just wanted to talk to her... and that's how my night ended, with me
completely irritated about that... and I was in a bad mood all morning until one of my friends from
Arkansas shared a video with me that made me crack up laughing, and I've been in a reasonably
good mood ever since... but I'm sure the drama is FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR from over in this crazy ass situation....

And wow, after writing all that, I think I'm glad hardly anyone ever reads my diary.... lmao