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A few months ago, I wasn't who I am today. I've been thinking a lot about it today. I was thinking about having some friends over for a drink one day soon. I can't do that without doubt and fear anymore. Doubt in myself. Fear that I will relapse back into who I was before. That's not something I want to do. Although a small part of me, deep down, misses that feeling. The feeling of trying to run away from worries and problems. Feeling carefree for a small moment. In this entry, I am going to tell things that no one else really knows. My friends and family saw some things. But not everything.
A few months ago, I was depressed. I had a lot going on. I needed something. Something to get my mind off of all the bad things in my life. I became friends with a guy at work. We had a connection. We understood each other. And I considered him a true friend. We spent a lot of time together outside of work. I would go hang out at his house and listen to music he had made. We were good friends. Of course, when everyone at work realized how close we were [because everyone up there wanted his attention and wanted to date him.] They started rumors around town that I was cheating on Melissa. We ignored them. But they got the best of me. I think it was because Melissa started believing them.
Either way, I took up drinking..again. I was drunk everyday all day. At work, at my mom's house, at the store. Didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, I was drunk. Or at least a little buzzed. I couldn't be without alcohol. But then, that wasn't enough. I started taking pills with the alcohol. It didn't matter what it was. Or where I got it from. I just had to have pills. But then that wasn't enough. So I started smoking....other things. It got so bad that I was doing all 3 of these things at the same time. One night I was so high and drunk, I couldn't see...at all. I was totally bilnd. And yet I didn't care. I just needed more. I was throwing back drinks like my life depended on it. Finally, Melissa made me stop. When my sight came back, there were people at my house. Friends, family. And I hadn't even known they came in. I was so ashamed. But that didn't mean I could just stop.
I stopped smoking. But continued the pills and drinking. I had changed. I wasn't me. I was mean. To everyone. Including Melissa and my best friend. [The guy I worked with.] Melissa stuck around with me, helped me through. She got me into counseling. Jaymz, the guy I thought was my best friend and understood. [Because I was getting most of my alcohol and pills from his stash.] turned on me. I cried for days. I had lost my friend. He hated me. Said I was too foul. Said I had changed too much. Then he fed into the rumors. Told everyone that he had, in fact, slept with me. He wrote rude songs about me and posted them on the internet. I was horrified.
And that is what made me stop. Because no one would believe me if I were drunk and high all the time. And I had to make them believe me instead of him. So I stopped all of it. Put it all down and walked away. But sometimes, I want it back. Today is one of those days. And it's hard to say no. I have alcohol in my freezer. I could easily call up a friend and get pills. I don't know why this is so hard. But it's killing me inside.
I still miss my friend. Even though it's obvious now that he was never as true of a friend as I thought. But it doesn't stop the hurt, the pain, the heart-break of losing what I thought I had.
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I can completely relate to that. And while you can miss that part of your life and want it back sometimes - it feels a lot better to know you don't need that anymore and that you are stronger now.
Good for you, for pulling yourself up from the depths. That is a VERY hard thing to do, harder than anyone who just stays on an even keel can imagine. It takes a level of strength they will never have. Keep that strength close. It is the reason you are alive.
"Addiction" is hard to get over. I used to love alcohol more than i loved myself, then I loved meth more than I loved myself. Now I have something better to live for, & I hope you get your chance to have somethng like that, soon!