Rant about my relationship with a certain woman.
Okay, where to begin? I've been with this girl Becky for almost a year now and the cracks are already appearing. She isn't like any other woman who responds to romantic gestures and affectionate words. It's like im trying to romance a brick wall.. actually I might try it on a wall and see if i get lucky. When we're together sometimes its like normal everyday relationship where we share things and talk about almost everything but it almost always changes when we're outside. She doesn't like showing affection AT ALL outdoors. The most I get is me trying desperately to cling onto her hand and not letting go. I mean what's changed since we left the house? or is she ashamed to be seen with me? I keep thinking about those sort of things over and over whilst were out somewhere.
I've been in one serious relationship prior to this one that I'm in now. That lasted five wonderous years. I keep comparing my present relationship to my previous one and it seems to me like I'm not with a woman who cares for me, or even loves me. It feels like I'm just hanging out with a friend and its driving me insane.
I tell her that I love her, and I do but when she says it back I can almost hear the reluctance in her voice. My friends tell me that she's only with me for my money, which everyone knows is slowly being tapped out. She makes me buy her everything, and of course me, being the smitten idiot that I am, gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She constantly wants alcohol and cigarettes.. and some unmentionables I of course get them, in copious amounts.
It's getting to the point where its affecting me physically. I'm drinking more and smoking more because she does and I've tried drugs because she urged me. I know its not healthy and I've stopped using for a while now but part of me is thinking that shes an awful influence on me and on top of that I have feelings for her so it makes it very hard for me to say no.
I just want to get my life back on track. No more drugs and binge drinking etc etc. I want my life back to normal but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I have friends but I think that they all look down on me because I'm such a pushover when it comes to Becky.
I just feel trapped inside my own head, and bloop seems to be my only release. I can't tell anyone or she'll find out and it could all get more complicated. I love her but at the same time I'm thinking that this is just a one way relationship. I'm having second thoughts about the entire thing and even going as far as thinking that i'll be way better off without her.
Well, I hope someone out there has answers for me 'cause I certainly don't.
Peace |
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