♫My Friends by Red Hot Chili Peppers♫
Yesterday was my mom's birthday. And normally it doesn't bother me, but I find as I get older that I miss the fact that I don't have a relationship with her. It is my choice that I don't, so I'm not sure why it does bother me.
My mother as I was growing up was a drug addict, and while I'm sure she did her best to shield me from everything that went on while I lived with her, it still left a big impact on my life. Still to this day she is a very toxic person that I can't have around because of how I allow her to make me feel.
When I was younger she held a knife very close to my throat because she was on her monthly and I was finishing up in the bathroom, she didn't like that. She stole everything that had any meaning to me for drugs, she stole from my friends, defrauded them. All sorts of things that a girl growing up shouldn't have to deal with. Granted I could have had it a lot worse then I did. It still left a bitter taste in my mouth, and while I don't hold her choices against her anymore, her life, her decisions. I can't help but feel a little broken at the fact that I can't allow myself a relationship with someone who's supposed to be a big influence in my life. She's my mom, she's supposed to be the one I could call anytime, cry about boys, ask for life advice. Yet I can't even call her to ask her how she made lasagna, because she's so toxic she likes to drag people down with her.
It's so frustrating.
- R. |
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