♥I try so hard

12/28/2009

I suppose I could manage an update for now lol.

I spent Christmas Eve with Amanda, Lexi and Travis at her parents house. Had alot of fun but it was kinda sad too. We had dinner and then sat around and opened some presents. She had told me that her parents got me something so I bought them a little something and a card but she never informed me that she did as well as the other piece of their family that was there as well. So I felt completely stupid because she knows I would have went out and bought EVERYONE gifts if she told me and here I am with nothing for no one but her parents. UGH! I yelled at her though lol.

Amanda is pregnant as well but she is due sometime in January so she is further along. I think the hardest part was just that, watching them all interact with her and me being here alone. Believe me, I don't care that my mother isn't around we don't really have a good relationship and even when she is or we talk I cannot find myself excited about the baby with her. She ruined it I think when I had the miscarriage in high school and she said all kinds of nasty things among other things. But like while Amanda was sitting on the floor passing out presents about halfway through Travis sits on the floor behind her and starts rubbing her back . I could have died right there. I do pretty good recently when I am by myself now knowing that he is coming home soon. But watching that and such on Christmas just kinda fowled my mood for a moment.

Josh called shortly after all that so I went upstairs to take the call and tried my hardest not to but bawled for the last half of it probably. I felt so bad, I hate doing it to him but he is really understanding and very patient with me. He knows its hard, and well pregnancy hormones are a b*tch.

Spent Christmas Day with Joi, nothing really special there. It was kinda nasty weather so she insisted on not letting me drive and came to pick me up from the park and ride up the road from me instead. ( she is about a twenty minute drive from me )

My mom, brother, and sister came out Saturday and just left this morning. Mom wasn't TOO awful bad. She kinda kept quiet for the most part, and I let her go through Claire's things as long as she wasn't making me give her a personal tour of every item and put it back where it belonged. My sister has an attitude. She is 17 and I honestly don't know how she is still so damn immature. When she runs off to college I see her hitting a rock bottom because she can't handle real life or anything about it. She is horrible, I was glad to see her leave almost in the end. Daniel though I was highly upset about. He was supposed to stay longer but with the threat of more snow and bad driving conditions I wouldn't be able to take him home this week so I couldn't risk it, he can't be late back to Ft Hood since he is on leave with the Army. I got up this morning only briefly cause Josh called and moved the cars then said my goodbyes. I wanted to let him feel Claire but that would have started a war with mom because I told her she couldn't. I wanted pictures of him and my belly but mom forgot to get camera batteries last night and so me and baby brain forgot completely til this morning when they were on their way out the door and I am in my pajama's so no pictures. I bawled to Josh again. I was already having a bad morning, had my first actually painful contraction, and seeing him on cam made me sad. Then they left and I just lost it, not for my mom or sister but my brother. I have seen him 2 days now in the last two years, he might be deploying for as many as 18 months and I have no pictures of us, or him and my belly or anything and it was just crap. It was one of those moments where the life just gets to you , I felt like everyone always leaves like this is my life. Josh is military, he is military, and they both will always be leaving at one point or another. We will be in different parts of the world always, and they are two of the most important people in my life. It just gets depressing sometimes. I know. Poor pity me party, don't read if you don't want to hear it because that is what this is for. Others of you I know understand completely.

Anyways I think I have written enough for now. I am trying to get myself up out of a slump now that Josh has left to go to bed. I am going to meet Joi in town and eat some lunch or something to hopefully pick me up a bit and well if it doesn't then it happens and I have a lazy day. I think everyone is entitled to a down day once in a while and I am pretty proud of myself for how well I have been doing lately.

Only approximately two more weeks to go til I see my whole heart again!

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