After you're finished taping my heart together feel fre

03/22/2009

Disclaimer....ok sexual content....you know the deal...as for any font color references, I typed this on myspace and I use lots of colors over there lol.
http://www.myspace.com/snoopybriiananewchick


Red is a good color for anger. Blue is a good color for sadness. Green is the color I'd use if I was getting ready to puke on you. So I'm just gonna have to use purple for heart broken. I'm listening to Katy Perry's Hot 'N Cold. Heart broken is a little extreme. But it was a shitty day, made only shittier by something he said. Jennifer stayed with me until about 9pm. Everything she said was to distract me from thinking too much, everything we talked about she did her best to build me up so I wouldn't fall into my usually 'what's wrong with me' train of thought. Joan left early, she wasn't feeling good but Jennifer, she stayed all day. Keeping me company, telling me that I'm really pretty, that there isn't anyone out there who wouldn't fall in love with me if they'd give me a chance. Saying all kinds of things to get me through the day. But eventually the sun goes down, she has to go home, and I'm left wondering what the hell. Confused yet? Its cause I haven't explained it DUH!! I'm listening to the song again, cause it fits. The situation, that song...fits like a fucking tee. Haven't heard this song? Sit down and listen to it, makes me think of us, cause it just fucking does. Ok ok I'll explain but I need a different color because slowly I'm going from heartbroken to numb, what fucking color is numb? Would that be frostbite blue? Is this good enough? Might be hard to read though and its gonna give me a headache looking at it, I can feel it already. Darker purple will be numbness today, just fucking pretend its frostbite blue ok, cause now that I think about it isn't frostbite red and then like black or something??? Ugh what the hell, you can tell I'm all over the place cause I'm fucking scatterbrained. So what happened, yesterday was fabulous, being with Mike is always the highlight of my week, even after I've spent all week without him, been miserable as hell, and he's been a prick about coming to see me. Joan left early, she always does. Jennifer stayed and talked with me and mike until 11pm. It was hilarious...she just about had me pee my pants. She's good for that, always great to have around. Well she left and I was exhausted, him and I went into my room, we weren't going to have sex. Just lay there and hold each other for a little while then he was going to go, but he was kissing me and I couldn't help it, he was laying on top of me and I was pushing up against him, it doesn't take much for me to cum, just rubs me through my clothes, and boom I exploded. Then he's asking me if I want him inside me...well hell yea, I've cum once, I need more. So we have sex, doggie style, he's so damn big, the minute he enters me my body just latches on, I can't help it, its wonderful. I cum two more times, the last time him cumming sets me off. He's getting bolder, more vocal which just turns me on more. So its over, he holds me for a minute but I know he has to go. So I'm half dead to the world, he's pulling his clothes on and talking to me. I turned on the light for him, as he's getting dressed he says I love you. I said it back. He's talking somemore, I tell him I'll get up and lock up after he leaves, then he's like ok baby, I'll see you tomorrow, I love you. Again I say I love you too. He's gone 2 minutes, I'm thinking in my head that he just needs a key cause I'm too tired to lock up and I pass out. Phone rings sometime during the night, its him saying he left his hat and sunglasses on my bed, I'm like ok, he's like I'll get em tomorrow, and again I'm like ok, and he's like I love you, and I say it back. 3 times in one night. That's not an accident. He didn't slip on his dick and think he needed to say it. He's already got me in bed, he doesn't need to say it, so I'm thinking damn if he's saying it, then he must mean it. (shut up I know I'm a moron, you don't have to look at me like that). I get to work, and I'm happy. I tell Joan what he said, she's grinning like crazy and says I told you you needed to stop worrying, he loves you. I was like I don't know, seems early for him to say it but I still can't stop smiling all damn day. I'm so excited to see him today, so he's had a shitty day and can't stay long but he's here and thats all that counts. He stayed a while, then had to leave, a long mopey goodbye because I didn't want him to go, I wanted him to stay, it sucked. I followed him outside and asked if he meant it. He says meant what. I said, last night you said you loved me, did you mean it or were you just saying it cause I was half asleep or cause you thought it was what I wanted to hear. And he's like I don't know why I said it, I don't know how I feel. I just turned around and walked inside saying I'd see him Monday. I made it in the door and cried, cause I feel so damn stupid for thinking he meant it, that there was really something that he felt. What the fuck ya know, was he just trying it on for size or what?? Why even say it?? Its a little different when you're dating someone and you say I love you then when you're just telling your best friend you love them as they walk out the door. I have avoided the L word because of this, because of the wonderful rejection that word brings. I was down, I didn't really eat any of the food they heated up, I munched on some chips but I'm not hungry, I'm hurt. Don't play with me like that ya know. Say what you feel but you can't just take it back and say you don't know what you feel without expecting me to be upset. So yeah I'm starting to get angry. With who? My stupid self. I've been here before, I run in the other direction when someone says that word to me because its a lie, its always a lie. But I wanted to believe it this time, if you don't have a reason to say it other then it being truth then why would I suspect anything. You swear up and down you never lie but be damned if you don't have anything against stomping my feelings into the ground. So yeah I'm back to being numb, I can't stay mad, its impossible for me. I think this song has played 5 times or more by now, its just become distant background noise for me right now. I hear the beat, I don't hear the words, by now I know the words, I don't need to hear them. I can sing this song in my head....its amazing...and for all of you who don't know the song I'm talking to, its on my myspace profile. I'm going to bed.