I'm cranky, and in a pissy mood. I've been like this on and off for the last week. I love Christmas, I love looking at the lights and celebrating with my family. I like taking Austin around in the car looking at all the holiday lights. I really love all of that. I can't get into it this year. I hate being alone at Christmas. I hate being alone period which is why I either end up dating complete losers or keep going back to ex boyfriend's that don't really care either way what I do. Most of my friend's are dating someone, which makes me feel like the third wheel and I don't like that. I don't want to be part of that in any way. Its so awkward. And then they're like so and so knows this guy....and that's when I know its time to go home, cause I don't want to meet a guy who's going out with me as a favor to you. He's probably really nice but like the others doesn't really like big girls, doesn't want to have to deal with someone with an autistic child, or who uses to many drugs or drinks way to much. Why would you try to hook me up with someone who doesn't like big girls?? Who you know doesn't like big girls? But yet you tell him its just a favor to you. That's bullshit and that's insulting to me, in so many ways. So I don't hang out with you, and I don't let you hook me up with more losers.
I really love the guy friend right now who keeps telling me that all women cheat, lie and don't stick around. I'm supposed to just act like one of the guys and agree but I'm not in the best frame of mind and I keep thinking I've been your friend for close to forever, I've never cheated on anyone I've been with...why am I so damn invisible to everyone????
Why can't I seem to potty train my son. He's four and refuses. Everyone says its because he's autistic, I understand that. Now just to get him dad and his girlfriend to understand I'm not an awful parent, that this is NORMAL for an AUTISTIC child. I feel like I'm an awful person, I'm not a good enough mom, not a good enough woman, just plan not good at anything. Sorry, I'm having a down day. I think I need a hug.
black.rainbow.lyts
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